Spoons
by Silver and Opals
Summary: You've Been Spooned! No, you have to say it in the AOL voice! Yachiru & friends retaliate against the captains for wasting money when the lieutenants are underpaid. What will they do? Well, with spoons, anything is possible. A lot of OOC.
1. Spoons are as shiny as a baldy's head

You think the captains had it hard before? Wait until this prank turns Sereitei upside down! Life may never be the same again...

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of its characters

A/N: I may have spelled several names wrong because I just get the names from Wikipedia.

Update 10/15: I added a bit more to the chapter. If you've already read the previous version, please read this newer version. If you haven't read this chapter as of October 15, this doesn't really apply to you.

Please R&R!

* * *

"Captain-Commander," Sasakibe said respectfully. "I hope you're well?"

The so-taichou grumbled something in reply, as he hardly ever talked.

"Yamamoto-taichou," Sasakibe continued. "If I may be so bold as to suggest we order some new spoons? After all, the Gotei does have the extra money."

"That extra money should be spent wisely," Yamamoto said, disapproving.

"It will be worth it," Sasakibe tried to reassure him. "I believe many shinigami," _namely the eleventh division_, "are uncivilized in their eating manners. This will help them become less barbaric."

Yamamoto sighed. There wasn't any harm in it...

-x-

Two weeks later, after the shipment of spoons had arrived, Rangiku Matsumoto, Yachiru Kusajishi, and Toshiro Hitsugaya were having breakfast in the dining hall.

"Ooh, these new spoons are so shiny!" Yachiru Kusajishi marveled.

"It's stupid, that's what it is," Rangiku Matsumoto grumbled. "If the Gotei has extra money, they should pay us more instead of buying all these new spoons."

Yachiru wasn't listening. "These spoons are as shiny as Baldy's head!"

Matsumoto burst out laughing, but Hitsugaya was not amused.

"Shouldn't you be with Zaraki-Taichou?" He asked icily.

"Ken-chan is at the training grounds!" Yachiru squealed. "Or... maybe at a captain's meeting? I don't remember."

"What?" Hitsugaya groaned. "Matsumoto, let me see your cell phone."

"Ah, Taichou... trust me, there's nothing to see," Matsumoto protested, flustered.

"That's for me to decide."

Reluctantly, Matsumoto handed the cell phone to Hitsugaya; Yachiru watched with curious eyes as Hitsugaya began reading Matsumoto's messages.

"Am I _really_ a 'snot-nosed dwarf?'" He glared at his lieutenant. "Ah, this one is interesting... a 'lawn gnome,' ha."

"Na-Nanao and I were just kidding! We don't mean any of that..." Matsumoto laughed nervously.

Yachiru giggled. "Lawn gnome..."

Hitsugaya finished reading the messages and sighed. "Apparently, there was an emergency notice sent earlier this morning. I will be heading to the meeting now. Do me a favor and finish some paperwork."

"Yeah, sure, Captain," Matsumoto agreed, even though she had no intention of doing any paperwork."

The two tenth division members left, and Yachiru was left sitting by herself in the nearly empty dining hall. The other shinigami had left a pile of spoons on a table to be washed.

"Ooh, shiny," Yachiru whispered. The pile of spoons were sill 'shiny' even though they had been used.

The spoons were shiny, like candy wrappers. Like Ken-chan's bells in his hair. And like Zanpakutos. Yes, like Zanpakutos. Like the Zanpakutos that everyone carried around...

Yachiru Kusajishi grinned. A delicious plan was cooking up in her mind.

-x-

Matsumoto wasn't the only one complaining about the Gotei's way of managing money. The lieutenants that came from Rukongai weren't happy about it as well. After all, growing up they barely had a full stomach. So obviously, the Court's reckless spending caused a great deal of discontent among the (underpaid) lieutenants.

"Spoons," Renji Abarai complained. "Spoons. _Spoons._ SPOONS?"

"No matter how much you repeat it. It ain't gonna change," Shuhei Hisagi snapped.

"Who's the genius that thought of buying this anyways?" Renji complained to the lieutenants.

Chojiro Sasakibe cleared his throat and coughed for a moment.

"Don't tell me you were the one that came up with the idea!" Renji protested. "Because if you were, I might just have to kill you."

"It's not fair!" Matsumoto interrupted. "I say we get revenge against the captains!"

"Think about what you're saying," Hisagi replied. "They're captains for a reason. I'd hate to get on the wrong side of Kuchiki-Taichou, Matsumoto, and you're on his wrong side constantly."

Matsumoto rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically. "I'm not saying that we should _fight_ them. No, I know you _boys_ wouldn't stand a chance."

Renji, Kira, Hisagi, and Iba began to protest, but were interrupted by the arrival of Yachiru.

"Spoons, spoons, spoons!" she chanted.

"We know, Kusajishi-san," Matsumoto snapped.

"Spoons are soooooo shiny!" she giggled.

"I think she's high on drugs," Renji whispered into Hisagi's ear.

"No, she's naturally messed up," Hisagi replied.

"Don't let Zaraki hear you say that," Kira hissed.

"Why do you wanna hurt Ken-chan?" Yachiru asked, having missed out on the insults. "But don't worry. Maybe if you're strong enough, Ken-chan will give you a good fight. And he'll have fun!"

"We don't want to fight against the captains," Matsumoto explained. "I just want to show them that they shouldn't spend money so recklessly. We're underpaid and they waste money on _silverware._ I mean, seriously. _Silverware._"

"That's true, but..." Renji began, only to be interrupted by Yachiru.

"I have an idea!" Yachiru burst out.

"Yachiru?" Kira said, incredulous. "Why would you have anything against the captains?"

"No, I have an idea! See, spoons are shiny, and..."

Renji suppressed a laugh, and Yachiru jumped on his head and bit him.

"LISTEN! See, spoons are shiny, but everyone's mad because they spent money. And I want money too, cuz I want candy. So how about we put the spoons in random places?"

"What?" Hisagi leaned forward slightly. "You're saying that..."

"We take the spoons from the dining hall, leave it in unexpected places, and freak the captains out?" Matsumoto grinned. "I like it."

"Yay!" Yachiru cheered.

Iba stroked his chin. "I don't get it."

"Wait," Renji replied. "I think I do." He turned towards Yachiru. "So basically what you're saying is that... oh, I don't know, we leave a pile of spoons in a captain's drawer. Then maybe we put some in their clothes, and on top of their paperwork?"

"Yeah!" Yachiru grinned. "Do you have any other ideas, Red Pineapple?"

"I've got one," Matsumoto said slowly. "How about you string a chain of spoons and hang them on Captain Zaraki's hair?"

Renji, Hisagi, and Kira's mouth fell open in horror. Messing with Zaraki-Taichou was the same as tempting death.

"Matsumoto, think about what you're saying!" Hisagi protested. "Zaraki will kill her!"

"This is Yachiru we're talking about. As in, girl-who-rides-on-Zaraki's-shoulders-without-facing-death," Matsumoto said nonchalantly. "So, what do ya say, Yachiru?"

"It's PERFECT!" she squealed. "How about you, Red Pineapple, Number Face, Pointy Head, and Glasses Head?"

The four exchanged a brief glance.

"I'm all for it," Renji said at last. "But if you guys are going to mess with the captains, Yachiru, you handle Kuchiki-Taichou."

"Oh, Byakkun! His house is BIG!"

Hisagi shook his head. "I agree, it's unfair, but it's against our code of conduct to go against our captains."

"Yeah," Iba agreed.

Matsumoto patted Hisagi's head. "C'mon, Hisagi. It's not like we're committing treason or anything. It's just a few harmless pranks involving _spoons_. All we're doing really is teaching the captains a lesson."

Hisagi hesitated briefly. "All right, I'm in."

"So am I," Iba agreed, willing to go along with Hisagi. (1)

"Same," Kira said.

"Great!" Yachiru cheered.

Matsumoto, serious for once (it's involving money, and money means sake!), sat down and began to develop a plan. By the time they finished (which took about two hours), the six had hatched a devious plan that would cover every captain's weaknesses.

"Do you get it?" Matsumoto asked.

"Yes," they all said.

"I want candy!" Yachiru complained. "I'm going to see Byakkun. Bye!"

Renji looked towards her pink hair bobbing in the light and sighed. "I'll never get how Ikkaku and Yumichika can handle her."

Matsumoto stood up and stretched slightly. "Right now, it's only three o'clock. I bet we could pull a few pranks in two hours or so."

"Yeah," Renji agreed.

Hisagi shook his head. "I agree that we could pull a few pranks, but we shouldn't mess with the captains yet. Let's start from the lower seated officers and work our way up. We'll gain experience along the way."

"Ooh, you're right!" Matsumoto exclaimed. "That's perfect. Now, I believe the fourth division would be perfect for pranking..."

* * *

(1) A plug from that Shinigami's Cup where Iba wants to get respect from his comrades... I don't remember what number

The fourth division doesn't know what's coming! But I do...

Please read and review! I want criticism, because I'm new to writing fanficts. Enjoy!!


	2. A Tea Party? That's not sissy at all

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or the original Spoon Prank, that belongs to those who were at a certain middle school...

New Chapter up! Personally, I think this chapter is a bit weird... maybe because I wrote this after a piano lesson? Well, please R&R!!

* * *

While Matsumoto, Yachiru, Renji, and Hisagi were busy planning their pranks, Hitsugaya was bored to death (no pun intended) at the captains meeting. After all, the reason Yamamoto had held the meeting was so he could show off one of his new obsessions.

The captain-commander was a strange man. In many ways, he was like a grandfather. A grandfather-that-could-smite-you-where-you-stand kind of grandfather. But he was good—he was kind and strong, but he had multiple eccentrics.

After all, Old-man Yama lived only for two things: leading his division and his monthly tea party. But lately, attendance had been dropping. For starters, only the first division attended the parties anyways, but recently they had been getting mysterious injuries around the time that Yamamoto held his parties.

Sasakibe was the one who had suggested getting the spoons. Apparently, he felt that the Gotei was 'uncivilized' and 'barbaric,' and needed a 'healthy dose of western manners' to get them back on track. The lieutenants were not the only ones that objected.

"I see no point in getting the new spoons," Byakuya Kuchiki stated at the meeting. "The point of silverware is to help the food get to your mouth. The old spoons served the same purpose."

"I agree completely," Mayuri Kurotsuchi said.

All heads turned towards Kurotsuchi. After all, he was the least likely to agree with any of the captains.

"Well, well," Shunsui Kyoraku said, amused. "Why would you agree, Kurotsuchi?"

"If the Gotei 13 has extra money, then they should give more funding to the Shinigami Research and Development Institute."

"Selfish as always," Kyoraku teased. "I say we should have used the extra money to buy sake, then we could have a party."

"Yamamoto-Taichou," Ukitake intervened. "Although Sasakibe-Fukutaichou may have his reasons for wanting to purchase the new spoons, I agree with Captain Kurotsuchi in the fact that we should spend our money more wisely. Why not give our lieutenants a raise?"

Hitsugaya sighed. "Why not just save the money? We may need it later."

Kyoraku chucked. "Well, it's about time you joined in on our conversation, Genius-san."

Hitsugaya mumbled something under his breath, but was saved from replying by Kenpachi.

"Ahh, I don't really care," Zaraki said. "But we've been having so many meetings lately; it's getting to be a pain."

Yamamoto banged his cane against the ground. "Silence!"

The ten captains turned to face Yamamoto.

"I understand that many of you are unhappy with Sasakibe's suggestions, but my mind is set. We already have the spoons so all of you _mature __**captains**_ will just have to cooperate. Do remember that you are captains and should act your part."

"Jeez," Kyoraku muttered. "Yama-Jii is really pissed today, isn't he?"

Hitsugaya, who was standing right beside Kyoraku, sighed again. "It's probably because attendance for his tea sessions are going down. Gee, I wonder why?"

Soi Fon began playing with her hair. "Seeing as there's been so many disruptions lately, wouldn't it be better to save the money? We never know when Ichigo Kurosaki is going to pay us another visit. Kuchiki-Taichou, any nobles going to get married soon?"

"I hate to say this," Unohana stated regretfully, "but you all are right. I would like some more supplies for the fourth division, and I'm sure Kira-Fukutaichou would appreciate the money to rebuild the stadium."

Yamamoto banged his cane against the ground again. "This captain's meeting is over. A week from today, I would like you all to attend my tea session. Then, you will understand what it means to be truly civilized."

Zaraki snorted. "What, is Sasakibe going to give me another hair treatment? Give me a pedicure? That ain't civilized, that's girly."

"DISMISSED!" Yamamoto shouted, not wanting to hear Zaraki insult his lieutenant.

-x-

Outside of the first division meeting place, Zaraki guffawed wildly. "Are any of you guys going to that _sissy_ tea party?"

Byakuya Kuchiki began to walk away. "It appears my lieutenant has gone missing. Ah, such a tragedy he'll have to come back."

Kyoraku let out a small laugh. "It's not like we have any choice. It was an order from Yama-Jii."

Soi Fon had shunpoed away after telling Zaraki that she was going to attend, because Yamamoto more or less forced them, and suggested that Zaraki practice drinking tea at once.

The rest of the captains didn't reply to Kenpachi, but left to find their lieutenants. Ukitake went after stuffing more candy into Hitsugaya's hands."

"I don't want candy!" Hitsugaya snapped.

"Candy is good for you!" Ukitake encouraged. "Just look at Kusajishi-Fukutaichou!"

"And that's supposed to reassure me how?" Hitsugaya groaned. "Just where is Matsumoto? Lazy idiot…" he began insulting his useless lieutenant under his breath.

"Where's Yachiru?" Zaraki wondered. "Oh well, Ikkaku is probably taking care of her." He glanced at Hitsugaya. "There's going to be trouble over those spoons... Sasakibe had better start counting his prayers." He chuckled. "I really do wonder what Yachiru is up to..."

--x--

"Are you sure this is going to work?" Renji asked for the umpteenth time.

"I'm sure," Matsumoto replied shortly. "Now, Unohana-Taichou should be at the captain's meeting, so Kotetsu-Fukutaichou should be in charge. Now, do you all remember the plan?"

"Yeah, you, Renji, and me sneak in after Yachiru creates a distraction. We slip these spoons," Hisagi shifted a bag of spoons swiped from the dining hall from his right hand to his left, "under the pillows and you leave a note telling them that the Fairy of the Spoons put it there, or something like that."

"While Iba and Kira keep watch for us," Matsumoto finished. "And it's not 'Fairy of Spoons,' it's the Spoon Fairy."

Renji and Hisagi stared blankly at her.

"Spoon Fairy. You know, like the Tooth Fairy?"

Two sets of eyes met her blankly.

"I thought you guys had been to the world of the living before!"

"We have," Renji replied. "But we've never heard of fairies there."

"Whatever," she sighed. "Just go with the plan. Now, Yachiru should have started creating the distraction by now..."

Hisagi exchanged a glance with Renji. "What did she do?"

An almost evil smirk crossed Matsumoto's face. "Let's just say that it involves maple syrup, chocolate icing, and flour. Lots and lots of flour."

* * *

What does Kenpachi know? Will their plan be found out? Will the captains even care? JUST WHAT IS YACHIRU DOING? All these questions to be answered with later chapters! R&R!


	3. Icing, Syrup, and Flour makes MAGIC

Woot! Chapter 3 up! Enjoy everyone!

Note: I think I was on crack when I wrote this (jk), but some of it is a tad weird...

R&R!

* * *

The eleventh division knows that there are three things that they should never do: One, take candy from Yachiru; Two, disagree with Yachiru; and Three, deny Yachiru anything she waned. Making Yachiru mad would result in severe punishment, either from the happy gumball herself or from her father figure—Captain Zaraki.

So no one bothered to question her presence at the back of the fourth division hospital—they just assumed she was being her normal self (or abnormal self, however you want to see it), thus playing into the palms of Matsumoto's carefully manicured hands.

After making their plans, the self dubbed 'Spoon Ninjas' headed to the kitchens to gather supplies. Hisagi had swiped the bag of spoons and Yachiru took 34 cans of chocolate icing, 17 bottles of maple syrup, and 41 bags of flour from the stingy chef. Matsumoto also took a bottle of sake to drink after they were done, but that's beside the point.

So after heading to the fourth division's back yard, Yachiru took all of the chocolate icing, dumped it on the ground, and used shunpo to smear it everywhere. Then she took the maple syrup and drew a large cat over the icing.

"Ooh, pwetty!" Yachiru marveled. She giggled slightly and began to sing: "S is for sugar that's in candy, P is for my pretty caaaaaat... O is for orange like Icchi's hair aaaaand Yumi's hat! O is for octopus that's delicious, N is for no more money. And S is for the Spoon Fairy that gives them scares, then they'll all go running...!" (1)

Delighted with the song, Yachiru took the bags of flour happily and jumped onto the roofs of the surrounding buildings. "It's snowing!" she shrieked, emptying the flour over the icing and syrup.

"COME ON OUT, YOU FOURTH DIVISION MAIDS!" Yachiru shouted. "IT'S SNOWING!"

-x-

Matsumoto, Hisagi, and Renji heard Yachiru's gleeful shriek.

"I guess that's the signal," Matsumoto suggested.

"What, the SPOONS song of the 'ohmigosh! It's snowing!'" Hisagi imitated Yachiru sarcastically.

"Cute, Hisagi." Matsumoto rolled her eyes. "Look, they're leaving the hospital. Now's our chance!"

The three snuck into the hospital, dragging the large bag of spoons behind them.

-x-

Isane Kotetsu was having a perfectly nice day, thank you for caring. So far, not one person had came to the hospital with anything serious, and none of the fourth division members had been picked on by the eleventh division.

So Isane could be CALM about the fact that Yachiru had covered the hospital's back yard with flour and was outside singing a silly song. She could deal with that.

But then she went outside.

Mountains of chocolate icing, rivers of syrup, and flour. So much flour.

Isane gritted her teeth. She had stepped in a particularly large pile of icing, and now her favorite sandals were ruined. She took a deeeep breath. "What's going on?" Isane asked in a strangled voice.

The members of the fourth division looked at her, but it was Yachiru that answered.

"Ooh, hiiiii Braidy-chan!" Yachiru giggled. "It's snowing!"

"Kusajishi-san, why is there flour all over the hospital?" _Don't yell at her, Isane. Don't yell at her. You'll just regret it in the end,_ Isane thought hopelessly.

"It's MAGIC!" Yachiru widened her eyes innocently. Then, she hopped onto Yasochika Iemura, the third seat of the fourth division.

"Get off, you brat!" he shouted.

Yachiru didn't like being yelled at, so she bit him on the head (welcome to Ikkaku's world) and used his face as a kickoff to jump onto the ground.

"Oof!" he fell backwards directly onto a puddle of icing with syrup.

The entire fourth division burst out laughing, seeing their bossy, egoistical third seat knocked out by a small girl. It was pretty funny.

Isane sighed. "Hanataro, go get Iemura-san into the hospital."

"A-aye!" Hanataro obeyed.

Isane sighed. "The rest of you, start cleaning this up."

Several shinigami protested. "This is _her_ mess!" One said. "Why do we have to clean up an eleventh division member's mess?"

Yachiru smiled sweetly. "I'm sorry. Lemme call Baldy and Feathers down here so they can help you out."

The fourth division members paled at the mention of the third seat and fifth seat of the eleventh division, and began heading into the hospital for cleaning supplies.

Isane took a deep breath. _Okay, just clean it up. Clean it up. Clean it up. Clean it up. It's not like anything worse could happen..._

"Ko-Kotetsu-Fukutaichou!" Hanatarou called. "I think you might want to take a look at this!"

-x-

Matsumoto, Renji, and Hisagi were hiding inside a storage closet, having finished the prank.

"I think you might want to take a look at this!" they heard someone call.

"What?" Isane replied. "What is going on?"

Hisagi and Renji sniggered.

"If only they knew," Hisagi whispered. "If only they knew..."

"What's going on?" some fourth division members asked.

"It's extraordinary," Isane replied sarcastically. "It seems the 'Spoon Fairy' has come and paid us a visit. Why, the fairy took the liberty of putting a spoon under _every single pillow in the hospital!_ Wasn't that nice of the fairy?"

Matsumoto bit her lip. She had never seen Isane so mad, but really, only two things mattered to Isane—the safety of her younger sister and the well-being of the fourth division. Oh, yeah. They kinda pranked the fourth division.

"All right, pick up the spoons and put them in a large bag. The rest of you, please clean up the mess out back," Isane ordered.

The three hiding in the closet heard footsteps getting closer...and closer…and closer.

"You might as well come out and confess," Isane threw open the door to the closet. "Now, _explain._"

* * *

(1) I'm sorry, this is just pure crack from Spongebob... a spoof of the F.U.N. song

Oh no! They're caught by the Lieutenant of Fourth Divison! Will this be the end?

Just so you know, I don't like Isane very much. She seems too much like the Shojo manga girl who falls in love and lives happily ever after... in other words, she's too soft. That's why I don't like Orihime either.


	4. A MiniPrank and some Bad Poetry

Ergh, I'm taking the SATs tomorrow, so I probably won't be able to update until Thursday.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, but if you're reading this you should understand that. Tite Kubo does.

* * *

"Er, hi, Isane," Matsumoto smiled nervously.

"Nice day, isn't it?" Renji asked with an air of commenting on the weather.

"Yeah, I heard it's snowing," Isane shot back sarcastically. "So, let me guess. You're so mad that you don't have any money left to buy sake that you decided to get back at the head-captain. So you swiped the spoons from the dining hall, had Yachiru set up that little disaster outside, and then took the liberty of leaving a spoon under each of our pillow?"

"Sure, let's go with that," Matsumoto answered.

"Let me just tell you three one thing..."

The 'ninjas' flinched, awaiting Isane's wrath.

"I don't really care," Isane finished.

"I'm sor—wait, did you just say you don't care?" Matsumoto gasped. "Isane, have you been in the snow too long?"

"No, I don't care at all!" Isane replied sweetly. "In fact, why don't you just stay here while I call dear Nanao-san over here?"

"Are you mad or not?" Hisagi asked.

"Hmm... Rangiku, you might as well call Iba and Kira over here. They might want to hear what I'm going to say."

Renji groaned. "Just how much do you know?" he asked as he went to get Iba and Kira.

The six assembled by a tree that was in front of the hospital.

"I think your plan is brilliant," Isane confessed. "You're right. Buying spoons instead of using the money for more useful purposes? The hospital could use a few more wings."

Iba and Kira glanced at each other. They didn't really care about that.

"Wanna help?" Matsumoto offered.

"Listen," Isane suggested. "Throw a party tonight. I'm talking sake, dancing, music, the works. I know Nanao would like to get back at her captain, and if you throw a party, it would give you a brilliant opportunity."

"How extreme should we make it?" Renji asked.

"Nanao doesn't hate Kyoraku that much. Extreme enough to drive him crazy, but now so much as he'll actually start caring about what's happening in Seireitei."

"That sounds fun," Hisagi said.

"So... are you mad?" Matsumoto asked.

"Well, yes and no. I'm mad because you guys decided to vandalize the hospital with _sugar_, of all things--"

"Oh, god," Hisagi realized. "Where's Yachiru?"

The group fell silent. Yachiru was... outside, right? She was messing around with the icing, right? And she _had_ to be around somewhere close, hopefully.

"Darn, what if she squeals?" Iba moaned. "Unohana-Taichou will have our heads!"

"Let's check in the winter wonderland Yachiru made," Isane suggested. "If she's not there, we'll split up and search Seireitei."

So the ninjas went back to the sugary wonderland, but they really wished they didn't after all.

"Wheeeeeeee!" Yachiru shrieked. "Loooooooook! It's snooooooooooowing!"

"What's wrong with her?" Hisagi asked cautiously.

Isane sighed. "It seems our friend Yachiru has had a bit too much carbohydrates in her system." (1)

"What does that mean?" Kira asked.

"Sugar rush," she replied simply.

Iba, Hisagi, and Renji looked at the ground, and to their great dismay they saw that Yachiru had, indeed, scooped up icing with her bare hands and eaten it.

"Icing is goooooooooooooooooooood!" she shouted, hopping from roof to roof.

"I guess that expression from the living world, 'bouncing off the walls,' came from this," Kira joked.

"You have no idea," Renji and Iba said darkly.

"Ah, yes, you guys used to be part of the eleventh division. So what calms her down?" Isane asked.

Renji and Iba sighed. "Sake," they replied. (2)

-x-

"Here's another living world expression for you, Kira," Matsumoto slurred drunkenly. "It's 'kill two birds with a sake bottle...'"

"That's not right, Matsumoto. It's 'kill two...'" Kira burped and fainted, unable to finish.

"Fine, fine, whatever," Matsumoto replied. "You wanna kill the number two? Soi Fon isn't gonna be happy."

"She's not even at this party, Rangiku," Hisagi slung his arm around her shoulder.

Nanao suddenly appeared behind Hisagi and Matsumoto and pushed his arm off her shoulder. "Whose bright idea was it to leave spoons in the most random places ever?"

"Ya-," Matsumoto hiccupped. "-chiru."

"Hmm," Nanao pushed her glasses higher on her nose. "Madame President is brilliant, as usual."

"Wait, how do you know?" Hisagi asked, taking another swig of sake.

"I'm not stupid. The whole fourth division is in uproar. Nice job. Now, Hisagi, give me the bag of spoons."

Sighing, Hisagi reached behind the sofa and handed Nanao the spoons. Isane had collected what they left under the pillows and returned it to them.

"Thank you," Nanao turned and walked away.

Hisagi put his arm around Matsumoto again. "What's she going to do?"

Matsumoto giggled. "You'll see, you'll see."

-x-

Nanao headed back to her captain.

"Ahh, Nanao-chan. Where were you?" he asked, a sake bottle dangling from his hand.

"Reading," she lied.

"Poetry, I hope? 'Sake is sweet, the moon is bright. All I need now is a light.' (3) Ikkaku's head will do, I suppose."

Nanao sniffed delicately. "Shouldn't we head back to our own division now? There's still paperwork to be filled out, and we still need to submit our report to the ninth division."

"Nanao, Nanao, sweet Nanao. You worry too much. 'The frown that's on your beautiful face/Let it be a smile in the right place.'" (3) Captain Kyoraku shuddered and fell asleep, snoring loudly.

"Sweet, sweet, revenge," Nanao muttered under his snoring. "You had this coming..." she carefully lifted his hat off his face and stuffed a large pile of spoons under it. Then she replaced the hat.

"Here's some poetry for you, captain. 'The monkey that sleeps under spoons/I serve to you your doom.'" (3)

-x-

"Nanao, my head is heavy," Kyoraku complained as they headed back to the eighth division.

"That's just the sake talking to you," she replied, biting her lip.

"Sake can talk to me? Can the moon talk to me? Hi, moon lady. Wow, you look pretty tonight. Ooh, hi, tree." Kyoraku walked into the tree. "Nanao, why didn't the tree say sorry?"

"It's sleeping."

"I wanna sleep..." with those words, Captain Kyoraku laid his head on the ground and fell asleep.

* * *

(1) Heck, I don't know if this is right or not. But it's what I'm studying at school... and carbohydrates have SOMETHING to do with energy...

(2) I got the idea from the Houki Boshi squad 7 version... tsk tsk, Kenpachi. What's Yachiru doing with a sake bottle in her hands?

(3) Yes, this is crack poetry **_I_** came up with. I'm such a good poet, aren't I?

There's a bit of HisagiXRangiku sweetness for you. When I started writing this, the rating was a K+. But I'm getting the feeling I should change it... (sake, drinking, which isn't good for little kids under 12)

Please Review! (Press that little button at the bottom... you know you want to!)


	5. Payback, baby! The Spoon Fairy Bites!

Lol, so, I lied. I'm updating anyways. Regardless of SATs or not

10/15 Update: I went back and revised ch. 1. If you're reading this after 10/15/08, then there's really no need to care about this at all. But if you've already read chapter one, then please reread it? Well I can't force you but _pretty please? _If you do, you get a cookie (with the works, by which I mean with icing, syrup, and a healthy dose of SUGAR)

Part of this chapter is for anfieldgyul, and her inner shipper. It's also for those of you who love MatsumotoXByakuya (But Soi FonXByakuya is soooo much better, just thought you'd like to know XD) But there's going to be a little of every ship in here (Seriously, they're all just so undefined! The beauty of Bleach not being a romantic kind of manga/anime...)

Feel free to add this story to your favorites, and review it. Seriously. Want a cookie?

* * *

Matsumoto threw the drinking party. It was loud, it was stupid, it said 'Matsumoto did this' all over it. So when Captain Kuchiki and Captain Hitsugaya arrived at the party, no one was really surprised.

"Captain Kuchiki!" Kira gasped, dropping a sake bottle. "Wha—what are you doing here?"

"I was looking for my lieutenant. Not that it will be hard," Byakuya replied coldly, his eyes sweeping the tenth division office.

"Byakkun!" Yachiru appeared suddenly and began to pull at his sleeves. "Guess what, Byakkun? I had _icing_ today, and it was _gooooood..._"

Byakuya looked like he was going to say something, but decided against it.

"Byakkun, did you eat yet? Let's go and eat!" Yachiru giggled. The sake was making her a bit tipsy.

"What did Matsumoto do?" Hitsugaya groaned. The pillows that were on the sofa had been ripped apart, and feathers were floating in the air. Broken sake bottles littered his desk. "Matsumoto...!"

"Yes, Taichou?" Matsumoto giggled. "'A ninja will never die!'" (1)

"We could ask Soi Fon about that, I'm sure she'd be happy to disagree," Hitsugaya snapped. "Now, what are you doing having a drinking party?"

"I'm drinking," Matsumoto replied. "Want some?" She giggled again and slipped her arms on Byakuya's shoulders. "Hiiiii," she grinned.

"Captain Hitsugaya, please get your lieutenant off of me," Byakuya glared at Matsumoto.

"Shiro-chaaaan, don't ruin my fun!" Matsumoto pleaded.

"Did you just call me 'Shiro-chan?'" Hitsugaya asked, incredulous.

"Shiro, go find Renji. After all, that's what Kuchiki-Taichou came here for, right?" Matsumoto smiled at Byakuya.

Hitsugaya shook his head, but he knew Matsumoto was drunk. So drunk. But... He smiled evilly. Matsumoto was drunk, yes. So that's an excuse as to why she's seducing Kuchiki-Taichou, yes. But she would just brush it off tomorrow, unless...

Hitsugaya pulled out his cell phone and snapped a picture of Matsumoto kissing—Oh. My. God. Byakuya and Matsumoto were kissing on the lips. Full.

Of course, Byakuya did look uncomfortable, so Hitsugaya felt sorry for him, but that didn't stop him from taking the picture anyways.

Truth was, Byakuya was uncomfortable, but after a few seconds he got over it. In fact, he was feeling pretty good, until...

"What are you doing, Nii-sama?" Rukia asked.

Byakuya felt his face flush. _Good thing I'm in the shadows enough. Chances are Rukia won't see me blush at all._

-x-

Iba snuck through the twelfth division and into the Research and Development Institute. "It's gotta be in here somewhere," he muttered. "No, no, yes! Found it."

Iba shunpoed stealthily back to the tenth division, where he knew Ikkaku was. "I'm sorry, buddy," he said with a grin. "But this is payback, baldy."

His fist clenched tighter, not wanting to lose what he stole.

-x-

"Are you sure you don't want to climb on that roof again?" Yumichika teased.

"Har har," Ikkaku laughed sarcastically. "Are you sure you don't want to build a nest?"

"Of course not! Nests aren't beautiful. Oh, hey, Iba! We were wondering where you were."

"Well, I'm here now," Iba said nervously. "Drink up, everyone."

"You don't have to tell me twice," Ikkaku said as he and Yumichika downed several bottles of sake.

Within 20 minutes, the two were passed out, drunk. Iba smirked and took the bottle of skin-glue from his pocket.

"Good thing I kept these spoons," he said. Carefully, he squeezed a couple of drops from the tube and onto the spoons.

"There we go!" he glued the spoons carefully onto Ikkaku's head, and where Yumichika's feathers usually are.

"Sleep tight, buddies. Don't let the Spoon Fairy bite!"

-x-

Rukia had come to find Renji. All she had wanted to do was ask him when his next soccer game was. She promised to root for his team (with Chappy posters, of course!) and to bring snacks (Ukitake-Taichou would provide that, actually).

So she headed to the tenth division because that was where Rikichi told her Renji was. She went there with innocent reason, but the sight of her refined, noble, EMOTIONLESS brother making out with Matsumoto left her in shock.

"Nii-sama?" she questioned again. "Why were you kissing Rangiku-san?"

Byakuya took a deep breath. "Matsumoto, you see," he said coolly, in an attempt to sound like his normal self, "is drunk. She thinks that I am..." he searched his brain wildly. "One of those, what do they call it? 'Pop-stars?' 'Rock stars?' I'm not sure of the terminology, but it has something to do with a celebrity in the world of the living."

"Ahh," Rukia sighed, relieved. "Where's Renji?"

"I would like to know that myself. Shall we search for him?" Beside Byakuya, Matsumoto fell asleep again, snoring gently.

"Sure," Rukia agreed.

"WHAT THE HELL?" They heard a scream.

"NOOOOOO!!" Came a wail. "THIS ISN'T BEAUTIFUL!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!"

"Just what is going on?" Byakuya was beginning to sound like his normal, stuck-up self again.

Rukia took a look and discovered that the screams came from Ikkaku and Yumichika. "It appears they have spoons glued to their heads," she reported, suppressing a laugh.

"Just that? There's really no need to make such a loud ruckus. Come, Rukia, let's head back to the manor."

"But what about finding Renji?"

"He'll still be alive tomorrow. Whatever business you have can wait, can it not?"

"A-aye, Nii-sama. But what about your business?"

Byakuya smiled grimly. "Abarai is going to have one hell of a surprise waiting for him tomorrow."

* * *

(1) This is the only ACCEPTABLE line from Ninja by ICP (Insane Clown Posse). I don't know why I chose this... to be honest I just went on Google and looked up 'Ninja Lyrics' and that's the first thing that comes up. Warning: If you're 13 or younger, DON'T LOOK UP THE LYRICS! Trust me...

Please review!

Ooh, Renji is going to get 'one hell of a surprise...' coming from Byakuya? I wonder what will happen...

Please vote on my poll--it's on my account page.


	6. Dear Kira, Please Don't Ever Sing Again

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of its characters. Nor do I own the original spoon prank.

No prank here today; it's mostly just a filler as I can't decide which character to torture next. Please see the poll on my account page. (I'm not sure of the terminology.) That'll help me decide who I should pick.

* * *

The next morning, Seireitei was more or less in complete chaos. Somehow, Matsumoto's drinking party had evolved into a full Gotei party, with nearly every captain, lieutenant, and seated officer winding up drunk. A good number of shinigami soldiers were hung over as well. (The few exceptions included Ukitake, who was sick; Unohana, who was treating Ukitake; and Hitsugaya, who refused to have anything to do with his party-loving lieutenant.)

At breakfast, the shinigami discovered that there was virtually nothing to eat. The chef explained that today's menu would have consisted of toast, pancakes, and perhaps some cake, but _somehow,_ his flour, syrup, and icing had all vanished. The shinigami also noticed that much of their silverware had disappeared, but they paid it no mind. (After all, they were much more used to using chopsticks.)

So with the half the Gotei drunk and nearly all the Gotei starving, no one was in much of a good mood. Well, except Matsumoto Rangiku.

"Good job, team ninja!" Matsumoto cheered loudly. "We set off an exciting first prank yesterday, and had a wild party to set it off! Whooooo!" She, Renji, and Kira were hanging out in the ninth division, supposedly helping Hisagi with his paperwork.

Kira winced as Matsumoto cheered. "Keep it down," he complained.

"WHY?" Matsumoto asked, deliberately being louder.

"He's still hung over," Hisagi explained impatiently, glaring daggers at Matsumoto. "Shouldn't you three be somewhere that's... oh, I don't know. Somewhere that's NOT HERE?"

"It's our fault you're so slow at doing paperwork, Shuuhei," Matsumoto teased.

"Nice one," Renji laughed. "But seriously. How is it possible that even _Matsumoto_ finished her paperwork but you're still working?"

"One, Matsumoto doesn't do paperwork; she just pushes it all on her captain. Two, her captain isn't one of the three that betrayed Soul Society—" a hard glint entered his eyes "—so she wouldn't understand how friggin hard it is to run a division."

"I run the third division," Kira countered, "but you don't see me stressing over late paperwork. Why? 'Cuz I turned it in on time."

"_Captain Amagai_ turned it in on time," Hisagi corrected. "Besides, you don't run the Seireitei Times in addition to all the paperwork lieutenants have to do. And it's not like you do all the work by yourself. I happen to know that the fourth division often takes pity on you; Isane particularly..."

"Wha—what does that have to do with anything?" Kira protested, his face turning red.

"Just saying. After all, there's a reason you're just 'Lieutenant Kira' but I am both 'Lieutenant Hisagi' and 'Acting-_Captain_ Hisagi,'" Hisagi shot back. He wasn't in a good mood—the prank yesterday took up the time that he should have spent doing paperwork, and now it was late. He also had a migraine from a combination of sake, the tiny words on the paperwork, and Matsumoto's, Renji's, and Kira's annoying voices. Going without breakfast didn't help, either.

"Dude, _chill,_" Renji suggested.

"Seriously!" Matsumoto agreed. "Why are you so moody today?"

"I know why," Kira said, his eyes glistening. "When I was in the world of the living last week, the humans were listening to a song called 'Hot n Cold.' (1) I think one part of the lyrics describes Hisagi nicely."

"Really?" Renji chuckled. "Well, it's music. What do you think, Hisagi?"

Hisagi grunted slightly; Kira had found his weak point—music.

"'Yooooh change your mind, like a girl changes clothes,'" Kira crooned in a high falsetto. "'And yooooooh PMS like a chick, I would know...'" (1)

Renji and Matsumoto burst out laughing, but Hisagi wasn't amused.

"I agree; you would know a lot about PMSing, Kira."

Kira walked over to Hisagi's desk, climbed on it, and began to dance and sing. "Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum, Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum." (2)

"Why the hell are you dancing?" Hisagi swore. "Get off!"

"One more song! 'Please don't stop the music... Please don't stop the music... You gotta move your body shake the stress away..." (3) Kira tried to breakdance on Hisagi's desk but ended up smashing his inkpot over his pile of freshly completed paperwork.

"Kira Izuru..." Hisagi's voice was full of anger. "You're going to PAY!" Kira ran out of the office, chased by an angry Hisagi brandishing his zanpakuto.

Matsumoto and Renji glanced at each other, then burst out laughing.

"That was so stupid!" Matsumoto sniffed; she had laughed so hard tears were coming out of her eyes.

Renji howled with laughter. "Kira can't sing. You can't even deny it, can you?"

"Sadly, no." They continued laughing for a few more minutes.

When they were done, Matsumoto turned to Renji. "Last night, I think Kuchiki-Taichou was looking for you at the party." She blushed slightly, but couldn't understand why. _Alcohol,_ she reasoned. _Alcohol._

"Whatever... say, where's Yachiru?"

-x-

"We're talking 25 bags of confetti candy, 10 bags of sugar candy, 13 bottles of soda, and 15 bags of lollipops?" Yachiru raised an eyebrow.

"They're _big_ bags," Byakuya said, trying to strike a deal.

"Hmm..." Yachiru cocked her head. "Okay, Byakkun. I'll help you out."

-x-

"_Nii-sama, why do you want to give Renji 'one hell of a surprise?'" Rukia had asked as they left the party._

_Byakuya thought about that, and made three rational conclusions:_

_1. Renji was clumsy, thus damaging many of his valuable possessions. Like the time he had knocked his kenseikan _(Author's note: those hair clips Byakuya wears) _into the toilet when he was staying over at his manor. If Renji had apologized and offered to replace it, Byakuya might have forgiven him, but Renji had laughed it off and joked 'well, now you can wear your hair in a ponytail. Like me.'_

_2. Renji was forever missing his lieutenants meetings. Of course, he did find it amusing to attend those meetings just to annoy him, but as a lieutenant, Renji should take more responsibility. Where was he now? Skiving off of work._

_3. Renji was the opposite of everything Byakuya tried to make the sixth division. Byakuya wanted to sixth division to ooze nobility, serenity, and tranquility. But Renji just oozed 'let my emotions take over when I'm fighting,' 'attack my captain if I think he's wrong,' and 'rules aren't that important. Let's go drinking!'_

So Abarai Renji had to be punished. And what better person to help him do that than Yachiru? The little gumball herself that could annoy everyone into doing what she wanted. And all he had to do was buy her bags of candy. The money meant nothing to him.

Of course, Byakuya didn't realize that giving Yachiru all that sugar would backfire in the end. Although Yachiru loved candy, they were not a good combination, especially in that vast quantity.

* * *

(1) Hot n Cold is by Katy Perry; I just use it in this fanfict to make fun of Hisagi.

(2) Disturbia by Rihanna. (I think my radio station is having a Katy Perry-Rihanna marathon... it's all getting stuck in my head)

(3) Please Don't Stop the Music by Rihanna. (This is going to be stuck in my head for a looooong time...)

Don't you just love my song choices? Yes, I know right? They're all so wonderful.

Please R&R... and feel free to add this to your favorites! If you do, you get a bag of candy from Byakkun!


	7. Yachiru's sugar rush and Renji's dance

You voted and I'm writing! The results were a three-way tie between Mayuri, Hitsugaya, and the eleventh division, but since I'm writing the story I get to pick who gets pranked. (I probably should have let the poll sit for more than a week, but I like to update every day.)

So the winner is... MAYURI! I think it'll be interesting for Yachiru & her ninjas to prank him while Yachiru is on a sugar rush (compliments of Byakuya). Enjoy!

The punch line for Yachiru today is 'Did you know?' She's on a sugar rush and busy pranking the twelfth division with Renji. Is this Byakuya's 'revenge'? (Hell no, only part of it.)

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or the original 'spoons' pranks, which was quite different in real life.

* * *

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Yachiru squealed outside of the ninth division. "RUDOLPH-SAN! WHERE ARE YOU?"

"Did she just call me Rudolph-san?" Renji asked.

"Yeah, pretty much," Matsumoto replied, contemplating the idea of throwing another party. She only donated 5 bottles to the last party—the uninvited guests had brought more than enough (Captain Kyoraku mostly).

Yachiru bounced into the division. "Hi Renji!" she chattered quickly. "Byakkun is looking for you. Did you know he has a big house? Did you know he likes bananas? Yeah, bananas are very healthy for you. Did you know that? Did you know that? Huh? Huh? Huh?"

"What could Byakuya want with you?" Matsumoto asked.

"I dunno, but I'm sure it could wait. Let's pull another prank. The twelfth division, maybe?"

"Ooh, the twelfth division? Are you gonna prank Hat Head and Robot Girl? I wanna come! I wanna come! Hat Head always gives me lollipops. Do you like lollipops? Byakkun gives me lollipops too. So does Sleepy. I want lollipops!" Yachiru said all this very fast and jumped on Renji's shoulder. "GIVE ME LOLLIPOPS!"

"No, Yachiru," Renji said patiently, quite forgetting the unspoken rules of the eleventh division _(NEVER DENY YACHIRU ANYTHING SHE WANTS!), _"since you have so much energy, my guess is that you already had quite a bit of candy."

"GIVE ME CANDY, RUDOLPH! Candy is good! Did you know that there's strawberry candy? Hehe, strawberry, like Icchi! There's also orange candy and purple candy and pink candy and red candy and yellow candy and green candy and white candy and—" she paused to breathe. "—and there's also chocolate. Chocolate is good, did you know that? There's a lot of colors of chocolate. Did you know that? There's brown, dark brown, white, white with pretty brown swirls, and chocolate that has cherries inside!"

Matsumoto laughed. "I'm going to sleep. Renji, since you don't seem very hung over, why don't you do the honors and prank the twelfth division? Take Yachiru with you." With those words, she fell asleep, dreaming about cherry blossoms and a zanpakuto named for that.

"Ooh, let's prank the twelfth division, Rudolph! Maybe they'll give me more candy! Or maybe we can take more candy from the chef... now I want icing. Will you buy me icing, Pineapple?" Yachiru was literally bouncing up and down.

Renji sighed. "Let's just go. I think Nanao has the bag of spoons, doesn't she?"

"No, she brought them to me yesterday. Did you know that she pulled a prank too? She put them in Flower-san's hat and he thought that sake could talk to him!" Yachiru laughed maniacally.

_I think Hisagi was right about you. You're naturally messed up, aren't you?_ Renji shook his head, wishing to rid himself of those troublesome thoughts. "So what are we gonna do for the twelfth division?"

The overload of sugar in Yachiru's brain (25 bags of confetti candy, 10 bags of sugar candy, 13 bottles of soda, and 15 bags of lollipops is NOT good, especially is you eat it all in less than 20 minutes) reminded her that it was Byakkun who had bought all that nice candy for her, so she would help him take care of Renji.

An evil little smirk crossed her face, but Renji merely assumed that she had come up with an idea.

-x-

What Byakuya was planning:

"_You want me to get back at Rudolph for you?" Yachiru grinned. "Well, you did give me candy, so I'll help you, Byakkun."_

"_Thank you," he replied swiftly. _

"_So Byakkun, what do you think about these tunnels?" Yachiru and Byakuya were discussing Renji's fate in one of the secret tunnels at Byakuya's manor._

"_They're... nice," Byakuya said hesitantly. He needed Yachiru's help; no need to piss her off._

"_So what's your plan, Byakkun?"_

_Byakuya held up a giant lollipop. "Yachiru, please tell me, did you and Matsumoto have anything to do with that little disaster at the fourth division yesterday?"_

_Yachiru's eyes were fixed on the lollipop. "Maybe," she said, drooling._

"_If you tell me, this lollipop is yours!"_

_Yachiru thought about it. She was already getting candy from Byakkun to help him, but... candy was candy, she decided. "Okay," she said, smiling._

"_Just as I suspected," Byakuya muttered. "Now, listen to me. Can you and Renji prank the twelfth division?"_

"_Yeah, Byakkun, but why the twelfth division?"_

_Byakuya sighed and began to explain: "Mayruri hates everyone, especially... well, there is no 'especially.' All I want is to get back at Abarai, but it might possibly be at the expense of someone else. Mayuri is the only one I don't really care about if anything happens to his division, therefore, is perfect for pranking. Do you understand, Yachiru?"_

_Yachiru didn't, but as long as she got candy, she didn't really care. "Yeah, sure," she agreed, not really listening._

-x-

"Rudolph, oh my gosh, Rudolph, did you eat breakfast today? I had breakfast today, it was _gooooood._"

"How could you have had breakfast? We stole all the flour... and icing... and syrup..."

"I had candy! Did you know candy is really good? Candy is sweet and sugary. And there's a lot of flavors! Like strawberry, orange, grape, lime, coconut, lemon, cherry, blueberry... YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY! Will you buy me candy, Pineapple?"

"I told you, no!" Renji was just as moody as Hisagi now. "Why do I have to carry the spoons?" It was true; he was lugging the bag of spoons around.

Yachiru gave him her puppy eyes. "Do you really expect little _me_ to carry it?"

"What are we going to do at the twelfth division anyways?"

"Ooh, it's simple! You go outside and create a diversion, and I glue spoons to Hat Head's experiments and throw some spoons in his big glass things that have people inside."

Renji paled. "Are you serious?"

Yachiru batted her eyelashes. "Pretty much."

-x-

Renji shuddered and began banging his head against the walls. "This is not happening. This is not hapening. This is not happening. This is not happening."

"Don't be like that, Rudolph, I think you look pretty!"

The 'distraction' that Yachiru had planned was to have Renji dress as a girl and lure the scientists out. He was wearing a fluffy pink dress and a blonde wig. Yachiru had also put makeup on him (she got the idea from a preteen magazine she had read in the world of the living).

"Why can't _you_ be the distraction?"

"Because I'm faster than you, and I'm smaller, and I'm less likely to get in trouble cuz Ken-chan will stick up for me." Yachiru was still on her sugar rush, but it had worn off a little by now.

It was true, Renji realized. Even if Yachiru was caught, Kenpachi would never let her be punished. But if he was caught, Kuchiki-taichou would run him through with _Zenbonzakura_.

"Okay, Rudolph. You prepare to dance!"

"Dance? Why is today such a weird day?" Renji mumbled, thinking of Kira. Nevertheless, he started dancing.

"Cuz it's a thriller!!" Renji started doing the moonwalk. (1) "God, I feel stupid," he muttered.

While the mad scientists started filing out out the laboratory, wondering what the _hell_ a girl/guy was outside dancing, Yachiru snuck in with a big bottle of glue.

"What. The. Hell. Are. You. Doing?!" Mayruri shouted, after realizing who it was under the disguise. "Abarai, I'm sure Captain Kuchiki would be very interested as to what you're doing."

"Abarai who?" Renji fluttered his eyelashes, disgusted with himself. "My name is Rachel Anastasia. Nice to meet you."

* * *

(1) Thank you, anfieldgyul, for the idea. Micheal Jackson, if you're reading this, I am so sorry. (Okay, not really.)

I'm pretty much brain dead and my little bro is watching Pokémon at the rate of 10 episodes a day. I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY!

If you don't want to read the parts about Renji crossdressing, feel free to skip the next chapter. (Of course, you'll miss out on quite a lot.)

R&R, and if you add this to your favorites/alerts you get a cookie. Or a giant lollipop from Byakkun. Which do you prefer?


	8. Operation MONKEY! Byakuya's revenge

How's it going everyone? I made a brilliant discovery. I can actually reply to reviews! I know, I'm genius. So I'll reply to some of your reviews now! (Took a week to figure that out; am I really going to be able to pass geometry?) (If you don't get it: Geometry has a LOT of proofs, and proofs involve being smart and being logical. I am so going to hate geometry.)

Anyways, I've been reading a lot of good fanficts out there, and I realized that compared to others, my chapters are _really_ short! I mean, I try to keep at about 1000 words each, because that's just me. But I'll try to make my chapters a little longer; try to make them have more substance.

I'm thinking about making the next chapter a triple prank—Soi Fon (Because I love her), Kenpachi & Co. (Because that got a vote and it will be VERY funny), and Hitsugaya (Because I just watched The Diamond Dust Rebellion again and I think he's the most popular choice at the moment).

* * *

Nemu didn't leave the lab when the others did. Mayuri had ordered her not to leave his research unattended—if only for a minute. He was in the middle of 'two very important experiments, so Nemu, you idiot, don't let them out of your sight, even for a second!'

The first of his experiments dealt with cloning. This experiment was a failure so far—Mayuri had managed to clone Nemu several times (but then he got rid of the clones, such a pity), but that was only because her body was packed full of poisons and antidotes. Her body was also build stronger than all the other poor souls he experimented on, and as Mayuri puts, 'her body is not the kind that could be so easily destroyed!'

The second experiment was something that Yamamoto was forcing him to do—gigai research. The only one who truly enjoyed this was Akon, and, well... c'mon, he had _horns_ protruding from his forehead. Of course he would be interested in this experiment—shaping the gigai to look any way you wanted them to. Yamamoto believed that it would help the shinigami disguise themselves better in the human world.

Mayuri honestly did not want to do the second experiment. After all, Yama-jii was only providing him with the usual amount of money but was expecting him to come up with more results in less time. He wasn't _that _smart. (Okay, maybe he was, but he would never say that to Yama-jii's face. Yama might just expect more out of him.)

So Nemu was watching beakers and test tubes bubble and change color, while carefully recording the results when Yachiru burst in. 'Madame President' was on a sugar rush and carrying the large bag of spoons.

Nemu hesitated. Mayuri-sama had instructed her to record the data carefully and watch the experiments, but had said nothing about getting rid of visitors. So should Nemu drive her out? What is Mayuri-sama was planning to use her for an experiment? Then she would get in trouble for getting rid of her... Nemu settled for asking Yachiru what she was doing.

"Oh, hiii Robot-san!" Yachiru giggled maniacally. "I'm gonna prank you guys!"

"Why?" Nemu asked. _What's a prank?_ She wondered.

"Because Big Booby, Sunglasses Face, Skinny Head, Number Face and me are sad that Yama-Jii spent money to buy spoons when we want to buy things LIKE CANDY!" Yachiru had started out calm (calm for her, anyways) but ending with a sugar-filled shriek.

Nemu thought about what Yachiru had said. wasn't Mayuri-sama complaining about the lack of money? So wouldn't she be doing him a favor if she helped Yachiru with... whatever she was doing? After all, that's what they were doing, right? Rebelling against the lack of money? Yes, she had seen these situations in the real world. No one ever got hurt and they always got what they wanted. Yes, she would help.

"May I help you, Kusajishi-fukutaichou?" Nemu asked.

"Okay!" Yachiru smiled, bouncing slightly. "I'll take these spoons and glue them on those computer screens." She waved her hands around, gesturing vaguely. "You take these and..." she giggled and ran off, not finishing her sentence.

"Wait, what am I supposed to do?" Nemu called after her.

"Anything!" was the reply.

Nemu sighed. She wasn't used to making decisions on her own, but if it was to help Mayuri-sama, she would do it.

She picked up the sack. Half of it was already empty. Nemu took the rest of the spoons as a brilliant idea entered her mind. _Why not?_ She mused. The spoons were being left in some strange places...

-x-

Renji was going to die. Either Ikkaku would kill him after he figured out who it was under the wig, or he would commit suicide after he got out of this.

_Why the hell did I listen to Yachiru?_ He thought desperately. All he was supposed to do was lure the mad scientists out. Yachiru had a theory that the guys were just 'lonely' after being in their lab 24/7 that they would welcome the sight of a 'pretty girl' to 'distract them from their work.' Well, the twelfth division wasn't the only crazy ones he'd distracted.

The twelfth division was right by the eleventh division, so once Ikkaku and Yumichika saw the crowd around Renji, they had come out to see if there was a fight. After Ikkaku and Yumichika joined the crowd, the rest of the eleventh division (except Kenpachi, who was sleeping) joined the group as well.

'Rachel Anastasia' was continuing to dance. He/she had already gone through most of the moves he could think of, and was becoming desperate. Right now he was just flailing his limbs around, acting like a monkey. Sadly, the twelfth and eleventh division members were highly amused by this, and howled with laughter.

"Hey, girl," Ikkaku said. "That's a nice monkey dance. Kinda reminds me of a former pupil... How about we spar?"

Renji paled. Ikkaku may have bought the crossdressing, but if they started to spar, Ikkaku would immediately recognize Renji's style of fighting. And having Ikkaku know what he was doing? It was like having Byakuya know what he was doing.

Wait, former pupil? Oh, that's cold, _Baldy_.

"Umm, no thank you," he said in a high voice. "Ladies don't spar."

"Just which division are you from?" Mayuri asked, still positive that it was Renji. (Some of the makeup was coming off; Renji was sweating so much. His tattoos were about to become obvious.)

"The eighth division," Renji lied wildly. _They might buy it. The eighth division does have a lot of girls._

"You're not beautiful," Yumichika stated bluntly. "Let me redo your makeup. That shade of eyeshadow is not for you. And you should think about picking a lipgloss without glitter."

Renji's face was on fire; he didn't even need the blush anymore. He had no idea what he looked like, as Yachiru had insisted 'you look so pretty! Trust me, you don't need to see.'

"I...I have to go to the bathroom!" he said, running away. _You can kill me later, Yachiru. But if I don't go now, I'll kill myself._

"Eh, whatever," Mayuri yawned. "That was a complete waste of time. Now, Akon, Hiyosu, Rin, let's get back to the lab."

-x-

Nemu smiled. Yes, Yama-jii would _have_ to give them money now.

True to her word, Yachiru had glued the spoons on the computers, but not randomly. She glued the spoons to form a large cat with a robot. "See? It's you and me!" she had said.

Meanwhile, Nemu's brain had been fast at work thinking about chemical equations. She figured that because the spoons were made of metal, they would react with the chemicals, aka THEY WOULD EXPLODE IF YOU PUT THEM TOGETHER. And explode they did.

Next, Nemu had used some special metal-eating acid to create holes in the spoons. She then took string and strung them into necklaces, which were then hung on Mayuri's planned experiments for cloning.

The two girls stood back to admire their work. "Nice job, Robot-san," Yachiru praised.

"Thank you very much," Nemu said formally.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?" Mayuri asked.

"Ma—Mayuri-sama!" Nemu exclaimed. "Kusajishi-fukutaichou came up with a brilliant idea!"

"Ruining my experiments, nearly blowing up the lab?" Mayuri looked shocked. "Nemu! Kusajishi! Brilliant idea, both of you."

The other's mouths dropped in shock. Was Mayuri on drugs or something? Did he just praise them for being destructive?

"You see, I've been wanting extra money to research. Of course, what you did right now could be easily fixed, but Yamamoto doesn't know that. And he'll never deny that you did this, Kusajishi. Now, Nemu, do me a favor and go report this to the Captain Commander."

"Aye, Mayuri-sama," she said, relieved he wasn't angry.

-x-

Byakuya was satisfied. Operation MONKEY had worked perfectly. The twelfth division was in ruins, Yachiru was too hyper to bother him, and his hotheaded lieutenant was too embarrassed to do anything besides hide in the office and do paperwork.

"I should prank them more often," he murmured. A faint tinkling reached his ears. _What was that?_

Byakuya looked at his cherry tree planted in front of his office. A long chain of spoons was hanging from each of its branches.

"ABARAI!"

* * *

Poor Renji; I know, he doesn't deserve it... But Byakuya does. (Muahahaha)

I thought about throwing in a little HisagiXNemu, but that's just pure crack.

Hmm, I wonder what that button there at the bottom does?

I hope you enjoy!

Yes! Now I'll get started on replying to your reviews (unless you don't want me to :O)


	9. Welcome aboard the Spoon Wagon!

This chapter will be divided into several parts, depending on which person I am pranking. So just sit back, take a swig of sake, and enjoy!

(Quick question: It says that after 60 days, documents are deleted. Once I'm done with this story, and it's been 60 days, will it be automatically deleted?)

I realize that I didn't say I would prank Byakuya, but it was a good way to introduce Yoruichi so I could have both of them prank Soi Fon, and so I could do a little shipping.

* * *

**Part One: The Goddess of Spoons, not Flash**

"ABARAI!" Yoruichi heard Byakuya yell angrily.

"Tsk tsk, Byakuya," she mumbled. "Now I just want to take your little tube-hair clips thingies and replace them with spoons!"

"Yes, Captain?" she heard Renji say meekly. Meekly? What the hell?

"Did you leave this disgusting chain of spoons over my priceless cherry trees?" Yoruichi could of sworn that a vein was going to pop in Byakuya's neck.

"No," Renji replied. "Do you have any paperwork I need to do?"

"Yes. It's on the table in my office. You know, the office you never step in because you're too busy hanging out with your drinking buddies?"

Yoruichi stifled a laugh. Byakuya only spoke sarcastically when he was REALLY pissed. The cherry trees planted outside the sixth division were planted in honor of Senbonzakura. They were precious to Byakuya, and Yoruichi knew it. Of course, how could Byakuya blame Renji? She wondered. Renji was scared to death of his captain, even if he would never admit it. _Byakuya lost his mind,_ she concluded. _Assuming he had one in the first place._

"I'm sorry, sir," Renji said politely. _What the hell is wrong with Renji? Is he drunk?_ Yoruichi sighed. "I'll get to work immediately," she heard Renji say.

"Very well. I will be heading home. Do me a favor and try not to destroy my trees."

"I wasn't the one who put the spoons on them, sir. And please, I wish you a pleasant evening."

Yoruichi was hiding behind the office, listening to their conversation. She had managed to keep herself hidden, but now she felt like she was going to die. Die laughing, that is. After all, Byakuya sarcastic; Renji polite? If only she had a video camera... she had heard Urahara say something about an 'America's Funniest Videos' contest. This would win the top prize.

Wait, was Byakuya heading to his house? Yoruichi shunpoed stealthily, tracking him. No doubt, he was going to make sure nothing else had happened to his cherry trees. Or his carp pond... say, there's an idea! She crept stealthily to the kitchen. _Damn! Wearing clothes is so uncomfortable! But if I'm a cat, I won't be able to carry this stuff..._

She shunpoed to Byakuya's mansion and snuck to the back of the house, where the pond was. "Heh, I guess they still haven't discovered that Yachiru's the one that's been stealing their fish." The majestic pond, which had once held over 10 fish, has dwindled to four. (1) Quickly, she emptied a bag of spoons into the water.

"Ah, Shihoin Yoruichi." She turned upon hearing that familiar, cold voice.

"What's up?" she grinned. "How's the fish doing?"

"They are doing very well, thank you. However, the same cannot be said for yourself. What are you doing to my pond? Answer, or I shall have you arrested."

"Big talk for the man who can't out flash-step me," she teased. "Even if you call the guards, they'll never catch me." She shunpoed behind Byakuya and dropped a spoon in his scarf. "Ain't that right, buddy?"

Byakuya, being the smart man he is, and being aware that Yoruichi must have done something to him, slipped his scarf off his shoulders. "What is the meaning of this?" he asked., holding up the spoon.

"Happy happy birthday, from all of us to you, we wish you a happy birthday, so we can party too, hey!"

"Amusing," Byakuya said coldly. He walked to his pond, wrapping the scarf over his neck as he walked. "Do tell me, why are there about a hundred spoons floating with my fish?"

"YOU'VE BEEN SPOONED!" Yoruichi shouted.

"How... amusing." Byakuya twisted the spoon around in his fingers. "Do explain to me why you're doing this?"

"Kisuke told me that the Gotei doesn't want to buy any goods from him; apparently they're short money, which is odd considering he heard they had a surplus about a week ago. Anyways, I'm here to investigate, and I found that you lazy captains are wasting money on _spoons_."

"What they Gotei 13 does is none of your business. You, who deserted Soul Society has no reason to care about such issues."

"Well, I went to talk to my good buddy Rangiku, and she told me what's been going on. Apparently, she, Hisagi, Abarai, and a few others are making life difficult for the shinigami. I figured, since I now know why the Gotei is short money, and since I have too much time on my hands, why not help them?"

An evil smiled twisted Byakuya's handsome face. "Do allow me to help you."

**Part Two: J'ai(me) Soif(on)**

_Author's note: For those of you who are lucky enough to not be suffering at the hands of my wacko teacher in French class, 'J'ai Soif' literally means 'I have thirst' or 'I'm thirsty.' 'J'aime Soifon' means 'I love Soifon.' This really has nothing to do with the chapter, but my brain was rotting away in French, and I saw the pun. It's a clever title, though. And Yoruichi appears in this chapter as well. There you go. So brilliant, no?_

It was two days after the craziness started. The day after the explosion in the twelfth division. The day that Soi Fon's lazy lieutenant, Marechiyo Oomaeda decided to drop in on the new recruits and watch their training, which meant that Soi Fon's carefully braided hair would have rice cracker crumbs in it. Again.

"Go make yourself useful and go stand over there," she muttered.

"Where?" He asked, spewing crumbs out of his mouth as he spoke.

"Over there," she gritted her teeth. "Go help the new Gotei members work on their... shunpo." She regretted her words as soon as they left her mouth. Oomaeda could barely do shunpo himself. Having him teach the new recruits would mean that she would have to teach all of them over.

"Damn him," she swore as she brushed the crumbs from her hair. Briefly, she contemplated throwing him into a pit of hollows, but decided against it. _After all, if he dies, I'll have to answer to that family of his,_ she thought, shuddering at the thought of confronting his parents.

"So, this is how you shunpo," she heard him say as he shunpoed into a tree.

"SOMEONE HELP ME UP!" he screamed. The recruits were backing away, whistling innocently. Soi Fon ignored him coolly. "CAPTAIN! TELL THEM TO HELP ME UP!"

"You've got two legs that work fine. Get your own lazy ass up the ground," she snapped. "Break, everyone."

"But what about the lieutenant?" she heard someone ask.

"Leave him. He needs to learn that in the real world, if you fall, you pick your own ass off the ground."

Soi Fon sighed and went to get a drink of water. _Seriously. Some of these new recruits could kick Oomaeda's ass. Lazy, good for nothing lieutenant._

"You're rather cold today," Byakuya said, walking up to Soi Fon in the dignified way only he could.

"I believe we should treat our subordinates antagonistically. Keeps them on their feet," she replied.

Byakuya sneered. "You have a package."

"Another one?" Soi Fon tried to act cold, but now it was hard. "I wonder if it's a stuffed animal or a sticker... or maybe a set of pencils?"

"Have fun playing with your stuffed animals," Byakuya turned on his wheel and walked away. "Don't forget. The Captain-Commander's tea party is next week. I hope you grow up by then."

Soi Fon barely heard him. "Whee! A new Yoruichi doll!" she cried happily, sounding just like a little kid. "But this one's kinda hard. I wonder what it's stuffed with. Hmm?" she spotted a zipper on the back of the black cat. "What could be inside?"

She pulled the zipper. "WHAT THE HELL?" she shouted. Inside was a pile of spoons, with a note. "'Ha, ha, You've been spooned. Remember to grown up, Bee Lady. Love, the Spoon Fairy.'"

Watching Soi Fon at a distance was none other than Byakuya Kuchiki and Yoruichi Shihoin.

"I knew that would work," Byakuya said, satisfied.

"Hmm, it's odd. That cat kinda looks like me," Yoruichi mused.

"Because she worships you."

"I am her Sempai. That's all there is to it. She loves you, Byakuya." (2)

Byakuya blushed slightly. "What are you talking about?"

"When you were talking to her, she was all cold, wasn't she? All stuck up?" _Kinda like yourself?_ She thought.

"A little," Byakuya replied hesitantly.

"She doesn't want to seem like a fool in front of you," Yoruichi said wisely.

Byakuya didn't reply. Yoruichi smiled. There really was no need for him to say anything.

"C'mon. Let's go explain to Soi Fon what's going on."

Byakuya went with her, but his thoughts were on his kiss with Matsumoto and what Yoruichi had just told him.

"What's up, my little pupil?" Yoruichi grabbed Soi Fon and gave her a bear hug.

"Yor-Yoruichi-sama!" Soi Fon stuttered. "And Kuchiki-Taichou," she added icily.

"Did you get our little gift?" Yoruichi teased.

"That was from you?" Soi Fon asked. _I shall treasure it forever!_ "But why did you leave spoons inside the stuffed animal?"

As Yoruichi explained to Soi Fon what they were doing, Byakuya wasn't paying one bit of attention. Instead, he was still wondering if A. He would be cheating on Hisana if he dated again. So what if she was dead? B. Did Matsumoto like him? Did he love Matsumoto? Or were they both drunk? C. Was Soi Fon really in love with him? Could he love a girl he barely knew? He didn't know Matsumoto well, either. Byakuya rubbed his head. It was too much to think about.

Soi Fon sighed. "I was against buying those spoons, but the Captain-Commander didn't let us decide. Can I help you, Yoruichi-sama?"

"Welcome aboard the Spoon Wagon!" Yoruichi grinned. "You're officially a member of... what was it? The 'Spoon Ninjas?'"

"I already am a ninja," Soi Fon replied. (3)

"A ninja never dies," Byakuya whispered to himself quietly, remembering Matsumoto's lines.

**Part Three: Kenpachi's new hairdo.**

"Are you sure about this?" Hisagi asked again.

"Yes, I'm sure, Number Face! You must have asked me 69 times already!" Yachiru snapped.

Hisagi and Nemu had made holes in another pile of spoons with the acid. The plan now was to have _every member of the eleventh division wear necklaces made from the spoons._

"I cannot believe I am doing this. I cannot believe I am doing this. I cannot believe I am doing this," Hisagi muttered to himself. Sure, he got _along_ with them, but he and Ikkaku had had a nasty fight when Captain Amagai was still around. He wasn't sure how the eleventh division would take kindly to him.

And where was Renji when he needed him? Busy doing paperwork? Renji was acting weird. Yesterday, he did nothing but stay in the office and work. He didn't even laugh when Kira did another dance on his desk. Rather, he was acting like his captain and told Kira to get his –_BEEPING-_ ass out of his office. Well, except Byakuya would _never_ have cursed; he was scary enough without the language.

"BALDY! FEATHERS!" Yachiru suddenly shouted. "GET THE WHOLE DIVISION OUT HERE! CAN YOU TELL KEN-CHAN TO COME TOO?"

"Yachiru-san!" Hisagi hissed. "Why are you making a scene?"

"Well, you said that we should sneak the necklaces on, but if Ken-chan tells them to put the necklaces on, they'll never argue!"

_True,_ Hisagi reasoned. But he really did not want to confront the eleventh division. _I'm too young, too beautiful to die! Jeez, now I sound like Yumichika!_ He shuddered slightly, remembering their fight.

"Well, if it isn't _Lieutenant_," Ikkaku said. "Why have you called us?"

"Hisagi?" Yumichika chimed in. "What are you doing here?"

"Yachiru," Kenpachi boomed. "This better be good."

"Ok. See, remember how Grandpa-san and Tea-san bought those spoons? And Kenny isn't happy? Well, Booby-san, Rudolph, and Number Face are helping me..." she paused to search for the right work, "revolt against the injustice."

"Damn, a nine letter work," Ikkaku sighed. "So what have you planned?"

"Did you guys have anything to do with that _ugly_ mess at the fourth division two days ago?" Yumichika patted his hair anxiously, as if saying the word 'ugly' would make him ugy.

"What if we did?" Hisagi said, defensive.

The eleventh division cheered.

"We hate the fourth division!"

"Nice job, Hisagi!"

"Maybe you aren't so weak after all!"

"Even if..."

"YOU'RE JUST A WANNABE FROM THE NINTH DIVISION!" they chorused.

Yachiru rolled her eyes and jumped onto Kenpachi's shoulder, slipping the necklace. However, as Kenpachi wore his hair in his trademark spikes, the necklace merely dangled alongside the bells.

"Necklaces!" she said loudly, interrupting the cheering. "Robot Girl and Number Face made these necklaces for you, so you have to wear it!"

"You must be joking, Lieutenant," Ikkaku was glaring daggers at the small girl. "If you think we're going to wear necklaces made from spoons, you must be joking."

Yachiru threw one onto Hisagi's shoulders. "See? He'll wear one!"

Yumichika sniggered. "Those aren't beautiful at all, Hisagi. I see you're as ugly as you are weak."

Hisagi's temper flared. "Who says they aren't beautiful? When I was in the human world, they had a magazine featuring a beautiful model wearing a necklace made of spoons. Another had earrings to match."

"Really?" Yumichika asked, falling for the lie. "Which one was it?"

"Vogue," he said, searching his mind wildly.

"Ooh, _Vogue..._ then it must be true!"

_Sure, let's go with that,_ Hisagi thought.

Yumichika took a necklace from Yachiru. "Exquisite," he exclaimed.

Ikkaku spat on the ground. "I don't care if they're some trend or not. I ain't wearing one of those things. It's girly."

"Will you wear one, Ken-chan?" Yachiru asked. "We can hang it with your bells!" she gave him adorable puppy-eyes.

"Eh, why not?" Kenpachi shrugged, giving in. "I've been meaning to get something to wear in my hair besides these bells, and these spoons will be mighty spiffy as well, won't they, Yachiru?"

"Of course, Kenny!"

"Now, I say we all wear the necklaces Hisagi and Kurotsuchi were kind enough to make for us." Kenpachi grinned maniacally. "This'll piss Yama-Jii off for sure. I think I'll wear it to his stupid little tea party next week. So, men, will you wear it?"

"Hell no!" Ikkaku protested.

"Of course we will!"

"Anything for you, Captain Zaraki!"

"These necklaces are so wonderful!"

"It was so kind of Lieutenant to keep us in on the latest fashion trends!"

"I guess this plan was a success," Hisagi muttered. "Shockingly."

Meanwhile, Yachiru was trying to get Ikkaku to wear his. "YOU HAVE TO WEAR IT, BALDY!"

"I AIN'T WEARING THAT THING!"

"YES YOU WILL! KEN-CHAN!"

Kenpachi merely glanced at Ikkaku. "Eh, do whatever you want." His reiatsu flared. "But if you don't, how's about you and I fight a little? WE'LL FIGHT TO THE DEATH!"

Yachiru bit him on the head, just to emphasize Kenpachi's point.

"Fine," Ikkaku surrendered. "I'll wear the stinkin' necklace."

Yachiru smiled angelically. She is so used to getting her way.

**Part Four: Members of the Spoon Ninjas (4)**

1. Lieutenant Kusajishi Yachiru

2. Lieutenant Matsumoto Rangiku

3. Lieutenant Hisagi Shuuhei

4. Lieutenant Abarai Renji

5. Lieutenant Kira Izuru

6. Lieutenant Tetsuzaemon Iba

7. Captain Soi Fon

8. Captain Kuchiki Byakuya

9. Shihoin Yoruichi

10. Captain Zaraki Kenpachi

11. Lieutenant Kurotsuchi Nemu

12. Captain Kurostuchi Mayuri

13. Lieutenant Ise Nanao

14. Lieutenant Kotetsu Isane

15. Captain Ukitake Jushiro (Honorary Member)

* * *

(1) From the Official Bleach Bootleg. Byakuya's little article is really interesting! So was Soi Fon's, but they really underestimated her stats. (Go on Google and search 'Bleach Official Bootleg Online' if you haven't read it yet. It's funny!)

(2) Yes, I just had to ship Byakuya x Soi Fon. Got a problem? Too bad, I'm writing the story. Byakuya x Matsumoto will come later, probably.

(3) No, I don't know the official term for Ninja. Aren't they just assassins or spies or something along that line? Because when we were learning about Japan, there was something that was really weird. Was it Samurai or Ninja? Don't remember. Just go with it, okay?

(4) These are in no official order, and chances are I've left someone out.

Holy shit, this was a long chapter! The next will be about Yama-Jii's tea party. Can you imagine Kenpachi with spoons in his hair, or Ikkaku with a spoon necklace? Let's just say the trend spreads... the trend spreads... (MUAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Oops! Forgot to do Hitsugaya! Well, I have a wonderful idea... I guess I'll do it with the next chapter; another double prank or whatever.

Please review! If you do, you get a spoon necklace and a copy of _Vogue_, complimentary of Yumichika. Maybe even a cookie from Yachiru!


	10. Wheels of the Wagon go Round and Round

This is another chapter that's divided into parts. I hope you enjoy!

The end is coming! No, it can't be! Sadly, yes! I FINALLY figured out a _decent_ ending. After I'm done, I will release another eleventh division based story. (I love the eleventh division; they're so funny) Please R&R!!

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own any of its characters. And I think we all know that, don't we?

* * *

**Part One: The Other Hyorinmaru—Spoonorinmaru**

Matsumoto got up and stretched, sighing. It had taken two hours, but it was worth every flipping minute wasted. A perfect Hyorinmaru replica, dubbed 'Spoonorinmaru,' made entirely out of glue, tape and _spoons_. The plan now was to slip it into Hyorinmaru's sheath without Hitsugaya noticing, then to have him draw it and freak out.

Now that Nemu was part of the revenge, it was a lot easier. Before, Matsumoto didn't know if Mayuri had actually created a perfect creature, as he claimed he did, but now she was 100 positive. Yeah, Nemu was pretty much perfect. 'Pretty much' because Nemu never spoke to anyone except on a professional level.

Nemu had taken charge of the little crafts project. If there was one person that could create such a perfect model, it would be Nemu. Not only was the 'blade' perfectly straight, she had also created the star that was Hyorinmaru's hilt.

_Hmm,_ Matsumoto thought. _I wonder if she knows how to make sake. Sure would save me a lot of money..._

"What should we do now, Matsumoto-Fukutaichou?" Nemu asked quietly, snapping Matsumoto out of her reverie.

"I'll distract my captain, and you slip it into the sheath. Is that good?" Matsumoto gave Nemu the tough job; if they got caught, Nemu would take the blame.

"Aye, Matsumoto-Fukutaichou," Nemu bowed.

"No need to be so formal! Just call me Rangiku-san," Matsumoto laughed.

"Aye, Rangiku-san. May I be so bold as to ask what you are planning to do?" Nemu asked as they walked to the tenth division, holding Spoonorinmaru carefully.

"Sake," Matsumoto replied simply. "Lots and lots of sake."

-x-

"Come on, Taichou! Drink with me!" Matsumoto dangled a sake bottle between her fingers.

"I will get drunk with you when Hell freezes over. Watch it!" he cried as a drop of sake fell on his paperwork.

"So just take your zanpakuto and freeze hell over," Nemu suggested quietly. "Then you can get drunk with us."

Hitsugaya rose to his full height of four feet, ten inches. "Are you mocking me?"

"No, captain," Nemu said respectfully. "I am merely voicing Rangiku-san's thoughts." Spoonorinmaru was hidden behind her back carefully.

"Captain! Captain! Go outside! Look!" Matsumoto cried.

"What's going on?" Hitsugaya asked, suddenly alert. With his back turned to Nemu, she slipped the katana out of the sheath and the other Hyorinmaru in.

"It's that pretty cloud! Don't you see? It looks like a cat!"

"Is that the only reason you interrupted me from my work?"

"Of course not! Look, there's the sun. Don't you think it looks really bright today?"

Hitsugaya suppressed a scream. "Are you serious?" he asked.

"And the sky is so blue today!" Matusmoto squealed. She turned to Nemu and saw that Spoonorinmaru was where it should be. "Never mind," she said. "So Taichou, how about we have another sake party today?"

"Over my dead body, or when you finish your paperwork. Whichever comes later," he said coldly.

"You're no fun," Matsumoto fake complained. She nodded to Nemu, who sent a message to the twelfth division.

"A hell butterfly," Nemu observed.

_Special Announcement For Tenth Division Lieutenant Matsumoto Rangiku and Captain Hitsugaya Toshiro. Please report to Northern Rukongai at once to dispose of three Menos. This is an order from Captain Kurotsuchi Mayuri and Captain Kyoraku Shunsui._

"How could Menos have broken into Soul Society?" Matsumoto pretended to ask. In truth, they were just fake hollows created by the Shinigami Research and Development Institute. The fake hollows had the appearance and reiatsu of hollows, but could not attack.

"Who knows? The important thing is to get rid of them. Come, Matsumoto!"

The white haired captain shunpoed away, unaware that strapped to his back was not his zanpakuto but a large pile of spoons. _That is so flipping funny,_ she thought. _Wait, what the hell did Nemu with the real Hyorinmaru? Oh shit._

(Nemu had merely left it on Hitsugaya's desk and headed back to the twelfth division, to watch Hitsugaya and Matsumoto on their 'mission'.)

"What did they mean, three menos?" Hitsugaya drew in his breath. "There must be at least ten!"

"Guess they grew, Captain," Matsumoto shrugged. "But we still have to take them down, right?"

"Right. Sit upon the frozen heavens, Hyorinmaru!" Hitsugaya cried, drawing his 'zanpakuto'. But instead of drawing the ultimate ice zanpakuto of Soul Society, he had drawn the, er, 'Ultimate Spoon Masterpiece' of Soul Society.

"Matsumoto, what is this?"

"Growl, Haineko!" she cried, drowning out his question. Her ash-based zanpakuto cut the fake hollows apart with little difficulty. "Whoo! Yay me!" she cheered, turning to see her captain's blue-green eyes glaring at her.

"Matsumoto," he said, in a low voice. "Why are the spoons from the lunch room glued into the shape of Hyorinmaru, and why are they in my sheath?"

"Well, remember how we were complaining about the Gotei buying these spoons?" Matsumoto answered him, remembering that Byakuya and Soi Fon were now there allies because they knew the truth.

"Don't tell me. You're protesting against it by using the spoons for foolish purposes such as this. Were you and your little drinking buddies responsible for the mishap at the fourth division? Or perhaps the explosion at the twelfth?"

"You really are a genius, Taichou!" Matsumoto grinned. "Let's drink to your brain! Er, your health!" She began to walk away, planning a sake party.

"Matsumoto..." the strawberry blonde turned slowly. Her captain was smiling mischievously. Wait. Smiling? Mischievously? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO CAPTAIN HITSUGAYA?

**Part Two: The Start of Yama-Jii's Tea Party**

_Author's Note: Just so you know, I really have no idea what an official tea ceremony is supposed to be like. I'm mostly just making the tea party up as I go along._

Since the most powerful member of the Shinigami Women's Association (Soi Fon) was part of the spoon plan, as well as the Captain and Vice-Captain, the SWA knew about the plan and loved it. Other women, such as Shihoin Yoruichi and Unohana Retsu were also part of the Spoon Ninjas.

The Shinigami Men's Association was a bit of a joke anyways, but they followed the plan. (But Captain Ukitake would never admit he's part of anything; he has to keep up appearances for Yama-Jii.) The other men were influenced by the fact that the Gotei's most famous captain, Kuchiki Byakuya was part of the prank as well.

The Eleventh Division was one of the reasons why the plan was so successful. Yachiru, who could influence Kenpachi to do anything with a sweet smile and puppy eyes, was behind the spoon necklace trend. The eleventh division members, unwilling to be the only ones to suffer, forced the poor fourth division members to share their fate as well. Isane, the lieutenant of the fourth division, played along as she had no way of stopping the captain or the lieutenant. With a captain, two lieutenants, and the two strongest seated officers of the Gotei wearing those ridiculous necklaces, the trend spread. Even Byakuya wore them.

But Soi Fon was possibly the most helpful individual. Her tracking skills, as well as her command of the Special Ops assured that the Ninjas would not be captured. The Special Ops also sneaked the spoons in places they never would have dared to imagine; after all, Matsumoto was a horrible spy with her 'assets', and Yachiru was far too... herself to keep silent for more than three seconds.

The biggest surprises was the fact that Kuchiki Byakuya and Hitsugya Toshiro decided to join their plot. Who would have expect the merciless Byakuya, or the humorless Hitsugaya to take any part in their prank? But Byakuya's noble status helped the ninjas get what they needed, and the respect Hitsugaya received led other shinigami, both seated officers and just plain soldiers, to join in.

Soon nearly everyone in Seireitei (even some of the first division, but not Sasakibe or Yamamoto, who were blissfully oblivious) was part of it. After all, no one was happy about the Gotei recklessly spending money. One would think that after several boxes of spoons disappeared, the Captain-Commander would just let the issue die, but no. Sasakibe ordered more spoons. And when they disappeared, he just ordered more. And more. And more.

Then came the day of Yama-Jii's tea party. He had ordered that all captains and all lieutenants attend. The Ninjas sitting in the same room as Sasakibe, breathing the same air as him... will he survive?

-x-

"Taichou! Let's sit here!" Matsumoto cried, grabbing a seat by Byakuya.

Hitsugaya sighed but did not attempt to argue. "I am sorry, Kuchiki," he apologized.

"Oh, hi, Matsumoto!" Soi Fon smiled, sitting on the other side of Byakuya.

Shunsui had just arrived. "You're mighty lucky, Kuchiki, to have two beautiful ladies sitting by you. Nanao, please sit by me?"

"Fiiiiiiine," she said, dragging the word out. Truth is, she was happy to be sitting next to her captain, even if he was a bit weird. But he was sweet. And she liked that.

Within a few moments everyone arrived to take their seats. They were sitting in two rows. In the first row was: Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Byakuya, Soi Fon, Yachiru, Kenpachi, Nanao, Shunsui, Ukitake, Iba, and Kommamura. The second row sat: Kira, Renji, Hisagi, Nemu, Mayuri, Oomaeda (who was picking his nose; Mayuri and Isane were disgusted), Isane, and Unohana.

The Captain-Commander cleared his throat. "Let the ceremony begin!" he said gruffly. "The ceremony starts with giving gifts to the host. So what have you brought?" Boy, was he in for a surprise...

Soi Fon: A small dagger whose hilt was in the shape of a spoon.

Oomaeda: Rice Crackers shaped like spoons.

Kira: A Haiku written about spoons; written on nice paper.

Unohana: A first-aid kit with two spoons crossed instead of the traditional red cross.

Isane: A blanket embroidered with a picture of two large spoons. Under the spoons, it says 'Home is where the spoons are.'

Byakuya: A beautiful scroll that has the word 'Spoon' written several times in calligraphy Kanji.

Renji: A pair of goggles that look like spoons (the round part is the eyepiece, the handle is the part that goes over your ear).

Kommamura: (The only non-spoon related gift! Grr you.) A large box of steaks.

Iba: A set of shampoo and conditioner; brand 'Shiny Spoon, guaranteed to make your hair shinier or your money back.'

Shunsui: A bottle of sake with a large picture of spoons where the label usually is.

Nanao: A book, titled 'Spoons: Their effect on your eating habits.'

Hisagi: A large cake that has a large spoon made of icing.

Hitsugaya: A spinning top whose handle is shaped like a spoon.

Matsumoto: A pillow embroidered with the same design as Isane's blanket (they made it together.)

Kenpachi: A jacket from The World of the Living; on the back it says 'Spoons are better than Forks.'

Yachiru: Candy in the shape of spoons.

Mayuri: A special spoon that has a stretchy handle.

Nemu: A special spoon that has a stretchy handle. (She's so much like Mayuri it's scary.)

Ukitake: A bonsai tree that has a chain of tiny spoons hanging from its branches. _(A Bonsai Tree is one of those really little trees.)_

"Well," Sasakibe said, gathering their gifts. "It seems there is a common theme this month. Perhaps you are enjoying my gift of spoons?"

The others didn't say a word, but you could feel everyone's reiatsu flaring.

"Well then," Sasakibe said nervously. "Let's get started with the ceremony."

The captains and lieutenants each took a teacup from Sasakibe and held it to their lips. Then, then drank simultaneously. Yachiru nearly gagged. "This is bitter," she whispered to Kenpachi loudly. "It's nasty. I want sweets now!"

"I know this tea is nasty," Kenpachi hissed. "But you have to wait until Old Man Yama makes a speech before he gives out sweets."

"But before, I used to just come, eat sweets, and leave!"

"Then you were very lucky," Renji whispered. This was his second tea ceremony, but now that there were more guests of higher rank, it would take forever.

Hisagi leaned over and whispered to Kira and Renji. "Watch out. Hurricane Yachiru is about to strike." They sniggered.

Kommamura turned to glare at the three lieutenants. "Yamamoto-Soutaichou is about to make a speech," he glared daggers at them. "Pay attention." He turned and cocked his head attentively towards the old man standing before them, waiting for the speech.

But the speech never came.

Coughs and twitching began to fill the room. "Is Yama-jii ever gonna speak?" Kenpachi asked tactlessly.

"It's called a dramatic silence," Sasakibe explained, flustered.

Shunsui stood up and boldly walked over to Yama-jii. "Nanao, let's go," he said in a low voice.

"What is it?" everyone clamored.

"The old fart fell asleep," Shunsui's face was hidden by the brim of his hat. "Let's go." Just then, a wrinkled old hand grabbed Shunsui's shoulder.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" Yamamoto said with a yawn. "The tea party's just getting started!"

**Part Three: The Spoon Ninjas and Their Words to You**

_In other words, a list of the Ninjas and some random quotes from them._

1. Lieutenant Kusajishi Yachiru (Will you give me candy, Byakushi? How about you, Booby? What about you, Rudolph?)

2. Lieutenant Matsumoto Rangiku (Let's have a sake-drinking contest! Shunsui-kun, you're paying, of course.)

3. Lieutenant Hisagi Shuuhei (A sake drinking contest? That sounds nice. Lemme play some music for you guys.)

4. Lieutenant Abarai Renji (Yes sir. I'll do the paperwork. Rub your feet? Eww! I mean, yes sir. It would be my pleasure.)

5. Lieutenant Kira Izuru (I wrote a haiku! Wanna hear it? _Marigold—depair/Life—misery and despair/Love—also despair._ Guess the theme! Despair? Hey, you cheated!)

6. Lieutenant Tetsuzaemon Iba (Which sunglasses make me look hotter? These? Or these? _Ikkaku: You're an arsehole either way, ship jumper._)

7. Captain Soi Fon (Ooh, a Yoruichi doll? A Yoruichi pillow? What's this? A zipper? AAH! IT'S FULL OF SPOONS AGAIN?!)

8. Captain Kuchiki Byakuya (Yoruichi, I hope you clean up the spoons from my pond. And get the spoons of my cherry trees, you hellcat.)

9. Shihoin Yoruichi (-steals Byakuya's hair thingamajiggers- Aww, look at Byakushi trying to talk big when he can't even keep his hair tied up!)

10. Captain Zaraki Kenpachi (You're pretty good. How's about we go a few rounds, Ms. Shihoin? –gets his ass kicked by shunko- Erm, never mind.) (Sorry about this, Kenpachi fans. I'll make him badass in the next chapter, I promise)

11. Lieutenant Kurotsuchi Nemu (_She just sits there. And does nothing.)_

12. Captain Kurostuchi Mayuri (Come back here, you hellcat! Would you like to be part of my cloning experiments? Here's a special deal for you; I'll let you keep your clothes at night!)

13. Lieutenant Ise Nanao (Get –smacks- away from me! –Smacks Shunsui with a book again- Wait. This is Yama-jii's present. Oh, well.)

14. Lieutenant Kotetsu Isane _(She just embroiders quietly and watches the scene with amusement)_

15. Captain Ukitake Jushiro (Have some candy, Toshiro-chan! And some crackers. And some gum. And some cotton candy. Hey, here's more candy!)

16. Captain Hitsugaya Toshiro (Here, Yachiru. Take them. Why does it always have to be me? Matsumoto, you are not allowed to have a drinking contest!)

17. Captain Kyoraku Shunsui (Hey, Genius-san. Got any money I can borrow? I need to pay for their sake if I want to join in.)

18. Third seat Madarame Ikkaku (Unwilling Member) (Yachiru made me do this. That snot-nosed, pink-haired, ball of sugar forced me to wear this stupid chain of spoons.)

19. Fifth Seat Ayasegawa Yumichika (They're lovely! After all, if Vogue says they're in, then they're in!)

20. Lieutenant Oomaeda Marechiyo (Ordered by his captain) (I want more rice crackers.)

Those who are _not_ a member of the Ninjas (Losers):

Kommamura, who refuses to do anything to harm his beloved Yamamoto. (No offense, Kommamura fans)

Sasakibe, who is blissfully oblivious that all the lieutenants hate him.

Yamamoto, who is too busy organizing tea parties to realize something weird with the gifts he got.

* * *

Author's note: With the gifts, I used a lot of information from Bleach Official Bootleg. You guys seriously have to read that! It's really good.

Sorry I didn't get to finish the tea party... but I want to build up the suspense, like Yama-jii did. Muahaha I'm so evil. So what do you think of my l'il shipping? And the Ninjas part at the end...

Please Read and Review! If you do, you get a chunk of Hisagi's delicious cake! (If you don't, you get stabbed by Soi Fon's dagger. Jkjk)


	11. A Tea Party Concludes! Sasakibe's wrath

The rest of Yama-Jii's tea party; possibly the next to last chapter. Someone commented that there's a lot of OOCness going on. Hmm, yeah, pretty much. I can't actually imagine Sasakibe talking, but he does in this chapter.

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Bleach. (I do, however, own some bleach that helped me remove a chocolate stain from one of my favorite white shirts)

* * *

"Hey, Yama-jii," Shunsui said nervously.

Nanao whacked him with a book. "Sit down, you idiot. The Sotaichou is going to make a speech, aren't you, sir?" she asked the last part apprehensively, remembering the time the Captain Commander called her captain to meet with him, only to fall asleep and wake up the next day. It's a shinigami cup; don't remember which

The Captain-Commander cleared his throat gruffly. "I guess that means yes," Nanao answered her own question.

"Ladies and gentlemen, captains and lieutenants, it gives me great pleasure to welcome you to my monthly tea session. I hope that by the time this session is over, you will have been so influenced that you would like to return. Now, if you look out the window you can see the green leaves of the trees. The leaves are the trees' pride and joy. The leaves are what gives us life, the air that is so important to us. And, of course, the flowers whose scent we enjoy..." he continued rattling off about nature, and plants, and water, and stuff like that. The other shinigami (except Kommamura) weren't paying any attention.

"Look, at the beautiful blue sky! The sky, which is so blue, like it is every day, is especially special today because it is so blue. Like it always is," Matsumoto proclaimed in a dramatic voice. "And the grass, which is so green, which Kommamura's dog will poop on. Then part of it will be brown. Then it will stink... amazing. Isn't nature amazing?"

Yachiru laughed loudly, which, luckily, the Sotaichou didn't seem to hear, as he was still talking, unaware that no one was really paying attention.

"Do you have any candy?" she whispered loudly.

"Why, yes, Yachiru-san," Ukitake exclaimed. "Have some gum, and some caramel, and some hard candy, and here's some mints. Ooh, I just bought this new flavor of confetti candy."

"Confetti candy?" Yachiru drooled. "I want it!"

Oomaeda picked his nose and started eating his rice crackers, some crumbs falling onto Mayuri and Kommamura.

"I do say, that's disgusting," Mayuri exclaimed. "And this tea party is _soo_ boring. Nemu, did you bring my chemistry-to-go set?"

"Hai, Mayuri-sama," she bowed, taking several bottle of chemicals and test tubes out from nowhere. "However, it seems that we are running low on Sodium, Potassium, as well as several other metals. We will have to replenish our stores."

"Bah, it doesn't matter. Just give me a spoon." The other shinigami stared at him, incredulous. "Well? Spoons are made us metals, are they not?"

Hisagi nudged Kira and Renji. "Hey, where's Sasakibe? I thought he'd be yelling at us and calling us barbarians, or something."

Soi Fon leaned back and whispered "I sent a prank hell butterfly telling him that hollows have gotten into his room and broke his precious English tea set. Apparently, he's off fighting hollows."

"But what's going to happen once he realizes there are no hollows?" Hitsugaya asked.

"AND SO, LET THE THIRD PART OF TODAY'S TEA SESSION BEGIN!" The captain commander shouted dramatically. "It is time to talk, or as the young folk like to say, to 'bowl,' I think?"

"Dish," Kommamura corrected politely.

"Dish, bowl, fork, chopstick, spoon," Yamamoto dismissed. "What's the difference?" he didn't realize that the shinigami were cracking up at the mention of the spoon. "Say, where's Sasakibe?"

Soi Fon's expression turned into a grave, serious one. "He's off fighting hollows," she said. "Such an honorable shinigami. Putting his duties before fun. We should all follow his example." _NOT!_

"Hmmph," Yamamoto frowned. "I knew it would be something stupid like that. Alas, we shall continue the session anyways. So, Hitsugaya-Taichou. Would you like to start?"

"Start what?" the white-haired captain asked, started.

"Start talking about yourself! It seems that all the squads act too independently of each other. We need to let each other's souls into our own, let our hearts become one. And to do that, we will all need to know about each other," The Sotaichou explained, sounding very much like a yoga master.

A set of blue green eyes rolled. "Well, my name is Hitsugaya Toshiro, and I'm the captain of the tenth division. There. That's all you need to know about me."

"Why so little information, Taichou?" Matsumoto asked.

"Intersquad rivalry," he said shorty. "Let's just go with that." Truth is, he didn't want other captains like Ukitake or Mayuri to treat him like a child. After all, Ukitake stuffed candy into his hands every week, and Mayuri held little respect for him as it is. What if they found out he like to spin tops when no one was looking? And he liked sweet foods? And he _loved_ to nap in the afternoons. Then Matsumoto and Shunsui would treat him as one of their napping buddies. Egad.

"Hmph," Yamamoto sniffed. "Very well, Kuchiki-Taichou. Would you care to go?"

Byakuya closed his eyes. "No," he said proudly.

"Fine. Soi Fon?"

"I'd rather not."

"Zaraki?"

"Hell no—I mean, _no, thank you._" Kenpachi said, adopting a sarcastic manner.

"Well, if no one is willing to talk about themselves, then we can't have a tea session," the captain commander said, looking downcast.

"Ahh, such a tragedy," Soi Fon hissed. She hated being dressed in anything except her special ops uniform, and today she had donned a traditional kimono. And it was killing her. Behind her, the three lieutenants snickered.

Just then, Sasakibe rushed into the room. "Sasakibe, where have you been?" Yamamoto reprimanded. "You completely missed my speech!"

"Ah, and I am so sorry!" Sasakibe bowed. "But I was told that hollows had gotten into my quarters and were attacking everything, so I gathered up as many shinigami as I could find, but when I got there, it seems that the hollows had vanished."

"Nonsense, we would have felt their reiatsu," Renji jeered.

"Just shut the hell up and sit down, so this stupid session can end already," Kenpachi snapped. Yachiru was on a sugar rush now, and it was hard forcing her to sit still.

Sasakibe noticed everyone's accessories for the first time. "Captain Zaraki, and Captain Kuchiki, and... everyone. Why are you all wearing necklaces made from my spoons?"

"I'll give you three guesses," Kenpachi replied. "One, we hate your spoons. Two, we hate you. Or Three, all of the above."

"Erm, three?" Sasakibe answered.

"Damn straight!" Kenpachi stood up. "Now, if there's anything else that's going to happen at this stupid party, _please, _hesitate to tell me."

Suddenly, an acrid smell filled the air, and an explosion took place in Yama-jii's precious tea room.

"Nemu, write that down. Uranium and Nitrogen are very unstable." (1)

"Hai, Mayuri-sama," Nemu said, scribbling the information down.

"Dude, you blasted a hole in the roof!" Iba observed.

"Ah, did I?" Mayuri went back to his experiments, uninterested.

"Well, he did always say he wanted a skylight," Shunsui commented dryly.

"Yamamoto-sensei will be pissed," Ukitake moaned. "I'm surprised he's not releasing his zanpakuto and burning us into ashes."

"He fell asleep again."

Sure enough, there was the old fart himself, having slept through both Sasakibe and Kenpachi's argument, as well as Mayuri's science experiment gone wrong. However, Fart Jr. (Aka Sasakibe) was still around to yell at them.

"YOU RUINED THE ROOF! AND DON'T YOU JOKE ABOUT IT! THIS IS SERIOUS! WHEN MY CAPTAIN WAKES UP, HE'LL KILL YOU ALL! NO, HE'LL BARBECUE YOU! THEN WE'LL SERVE YOU UP ON A PLATE, WITH BUTTER ON THE SIDE! AND HOW COULD YOU USE MY SPOONS, MY PRECIOUS SPOONS, AND USE THEM AS JEWLERY! THIS IS A DISGRACE!" Sasakibe had finished yelling, and was quite red in the face. (2)

"Well, it's always been my life's dream to be served with butter on the side," Soi Fon said sarcastically. Her outfit was REALLY getting on her nerves now.

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY!" Sasakibe roared. "WHY, USING SPOONS AS JEWLERY, I BET YOU WERE THE ONES THAT TRASHED THE FOURTH DIVISION!"

"You're right," Matsumoto interrupted. "It's not funny. Why, it's friggin hilarious! And as for trashing the fourth division? Gee, genius. When'd you figure that out?"

"Wait a minute," Yachriu but in. "You forgot to tell them when we blew up the twelfth division! And made Spoonorinmaru! And put spoons in a cat!" she giggled.

"Hey, if you return the spoons, we promise we'll stop," Renji added.

"RETURN THE SPOONS! IN HELL I WILL! THESE SPOONS WILL STAY!"

"Spoons, spoons, spoons...?" Yamamoto woke up again. "That's weird. I was dreaming about spoons."

"It's usually you that has weird dreams," Unohana joked lightly with Isane.

"Shut up," Isane whispered, her face turning red.

"Why are you yelling, Sasakibe?" the Captain Commander yawned. "I've never heard you cuss before."

"Ah, captain. These _imbeciles_ were suggesting that we return the spoons. Is that not the most absurd idea you've ever heard of? Those spoons have helped make us all civilized!"

Yamamoto got his first good look at his guests. "This is what you call civilized?"

Yachiru was bouncing up and down, high on sugar. Hisagi, Iba, Renji, Kira, and Matsumoto were drinking sake with Shunsui, quite forgetting that they were at a tea party. Kenpachi had taken out his sword and was busy slashing at some napkins, turning them into thread. Even Ukitake and Unohana had goofed off; they were arranging a candy gift basket for a little genius.

"Yeah, I can tell what the spoons did to their manners," Yamamoto joked. "ATTENTION!"

He didn't get their complete attention, but seeing how half of them were sharing a bottle of sake and the other half weren't paying attention at all, a third of their attention would be enough.

"I understand you are unhappy with the spoons. But we can't return them; they've all been used. So why don't you guys come up with a better idea as to what to do with them?" Yamamoto suggested.

"Are you serious, Captain?" Sasakibe protested.

"Hey, remember: this was part of a bet. You said that if the shinigami were happy, we would keep them. But if they're unhappy, they would 'have to go.' Is that what the youngsters say?"

"What could anyone do with those spoons besides keep them?" Sasakibe left the room in a huff.

Matsumoto and Yachiru grinned. "I've got an idea!" they said at once.

* * *

(1) Are they unstable? How should I know?

(2) See what I mean by OOCness? (Samebito Ryu, you are so right.)

And so the tea party ends. Yamamoto is now an unofficial member of the Ninjas. Just what will they do with the spoons? Something big. Something random. Something that brings Hell on Seireitei. Something that will continue their tale!

The next chapter will be the last. But I will be releasing a new story; either a HisagXRan oneshot, or another eleventh division story. I'm leaning towards the second choice, but both will be released eventually. I hope those who have enjoyed this story will read my next!

Read & Review: If you do, you get part of that gift basket Ukitake and Unohana were making. If you don't, you will feel Sasakibe's wrath!

Until then; adios, mi amigo! (I speak Spanish at the level of Dora, okay?)


	12. Silver Statues and Hairspray Ninjas

Last chapter everyone! I hope this is a good conclusion to the saga of spoons. (Wow, look at how alliterative I am...)

Author's note: Wow, it's kidnda short...

Disclaimer: I do not own this manga or anime. I do, however, own bleach that my friend is planning to use to clean her teeth.

After the tea party, Yama-jii had fallen asleep on his feet again. Soi Fon grinned evilly, and she slipped the leather strap off of his long beard, and strung spoon on it.

"If he catches you, he'll kill you," Matsumoto hissed, realizing what she was doing.

"He won't catch me. He slept through Sasakibe's rant. There's no chance he'll wake up."

But he did wake up—two days later. However, he didn't realize that there was spoons strung on his beard. It was only two weeks later, when he was brushing his beard, that he realized something was up. Yamamoto had burst into senile laughter, causing much of the first division to seriously doubt this man's sanity.

So the ninjas won. Sorta. Yamamoto had resigned to them, but because of the damages they had caused Seireitei, the original 6 (Yachiru, Matsumoto, Hisagi, Kira, Renji, and Iba) had to split the cost and do community service for two years. They won the battle against Yamamoto, but their salaries would be gone for six months and their free time for the next 24.

In the end, the spoons were divided up along the 13 divisions. Matsumoto had wanted to melt them down into sake bottles, and Yachiru had just wanted to keep them 'as accessories for Ken-chan,' but those ideas were all rejected. So each of the 13 divisions had a pile of several thousand spoons at their disposal. Here's what each of them did:

First Division: Sasakibe stole half the pile when no one was looking and continued to use them. Meanwhile, Yamamoto had decided to give the rest of them to Rukongai. After all, there were people there who really needed them.

Second Division: A trend started in this division—to slip spoons into their lieutenant's food and watch him jump (scary sight!) in fear. Soi Fon had no objection to this; she was responsible for half the pranks pulled on her lieutenant.

Third Division: Kira had merely given their spoons to Yachiru after she bit him on the head several times.

Fourth Division: Isane and Unohana had turned the spoons into beautiful wind chimes they sold to raise money for their hospital. They had made a tidy profit of 10000 yen. (I think that's around 1000 US dollars)

Fifth Division: Hitsugaya and Matsumoto had taken the pile of spoons to Hinamori and told her the story. She had enjoyed the story, and felt better about life. The spoons were given to Matsumoto.

Sixth Division: Byakuya took the spoons and left them in his office. To this day, he loves to surprise his visitors by handing them a stack of paper, and laughs when they find a spoon inside. Meanwhile, Renji renamed his soccer team 'The Seireitei Spoons' and has been immensely popular with the ladies.

Seventh Division: Iba kept the spoons, and passed them out in an attempt to have more members join the Shinigami Men's Association. Needless to say, many were traumatized by the sight of a grown man leering at them, throwing spoons, so unfortunately, attendance did not go up.

Eighth Division: Shunsui gave half the spoons to Yachiru and the other half to Matsumoto, but Nanao has kept some and enjoys stuffing them in her captain's h at when he's drunk.

Ninth Division: Hisagi kept some of them and gave the others to Rukongai civilians. His favorite thing to do now is to bake a cake with a spoon inside, and give it to Sasakibe. Sasakibe does not find this amusing and becomes very angry whenever this happens, which is quite often.

Twelfth Division: Mayuri and Nemu are working on 200 ways to use spoons besides using them to eat. So far, they have come up with 47, the first one of the latter being 'shove it up Kenpachi's ass.'

Thirteen Division: Ukitake continues the tradition by leaving spoons in the gift baskets he makes for Hitsugaya. He also gives candy statues adorn in spoon necklaces.

The Tenth Division and Eleventh go hand in hand. In the end, they melted down the pile of spoons and created two statues: one of the 'Ninjas,' and the other of a giant spoon. In a trip to the world of the living, they sold the statues and made enough to cover their expenses, and then some for a little sake party...

-x-

"B-A-N-A-N-A-S, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!" Matsumoto sang wildly. (1) She had threw a drinking party in Yama-jii's tea room in honor of their so called 'victory.' "DO YOU HAVE ANY BANANAS, BYAKUSHI?"

"I AIN'T NO HOLLABACK GIRL!" Yachiru joined in, singing tipsily. Nemu had taught her the words.

"Is the sake talking again?" Shunsui asked, drunk.

"Yes, and it's telling you to pay your lieutenant more," Nanao shot back.

"But he's broke. We're all broke," Kira slurred.

"HEY HEY YOU YOU I DON'T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!" Soi Fon screamed at the top of her lungs, about two feet away from Byakuya. (2)

"NO WAY NO WAY THINK YOU NEED A NEW ONE," Matsumoto joined in.

"Baaaaldy, what's this?" Yachiru found a sheet of paper lying under a broken teapot.

"Eh? That's a bill, Yachiru. Someone bought something, and now they have to pay for it." Ikkaku tossed an empty bottle to Iba. "Go get me more, _Iba_."

"Get it yourself. Or spar. And win..."

"BRING IT ON!" Ikkaku and Iba began to spar, too drunk to realize that there were five full bottles behind them.

"Buying needs money," Yachiru realized. She went to find Nemu. "Nemu, what does this say?"

"'Customer number 87688, Sasakibe Chojiro, has made a purchase of 30495 yen buying the following products: shampoo, conditioner, mousse, gel, and hairspray,'" Nemu read.

Yachiru's eyes widened. "Booby!" she called, leaving to find Matsumoto and her gang. "Look at this! Look at this! Look at this!"

"What? So, it's a bill."

"But it's a bill showing that he wasted money buying hairspray! We have to do something!"

Renji and Hisagi groaned. "Never, never again."

Matsumoto looked Yachiru in the eye. "Surely you aren't saying..."

"NOW WE'RE THE HAIRSPRAY NINJAS!" Yachiru squealed.

(1) Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani.

(2) Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne.

Sorry, this was a short chapter, but I hope I did it justice. Although I will not continue, it should be pretty amusing; Sasakibe just doesn't know how to get along with Yachiru, now does he? Hell, no.

Well, I hope you guys have enjoyed this story! I'll be posting a new story soon.

A bientot; tu aimes lire? (French... I think for 'Until we meet again; did you like to read?')


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